MSNBC: Preen forward #OhButIKid

 

Oh, but I kid MSNBC. I watch it every single day, and despite it being the only major cable news outlet I can tolerate (or appreciate), there are a few observations that I can no longer keep to myself. Gotta vent. Here's my (satirical) take on MSNBC daytime:

MSNBC Host 1: So welcome to my very own show. So, today's guests are Goldie Taylor, Howard Fineman, David Corn, Joan Walsh, Michael Steele, Jonathan Alter, Michael Eric Dyson, Nicolle Wallace, Mark Halperin, Michael Isikoff, Jonathan Capehart, Kasie Hunt, Eugene Robinson, Ezra Klein, Dave Weigel, Steve Schmidt, and all my fellow MSNBC hosts who are all here to talk about their very own shows! Every single one of them. So have I told you guys what a great job you do? GOD you're good. You all excel at your jobs! To call you stellar doesn't do you justice! I'm so proud to call you "colleagues."

Chuck Todd, Steve Kornacki, Alex Wagner, Chris Hayes, Joy Reid, Ronan Farrow, Krystal Ball, Karen Finney, Melissa Harris-Perry, Ari Melber: So, thank you, my friend! So, congratulations to us! So, group hug to Camera Three!

MSNBC Host 2: So when we return, we'll explore why every MSNBC commentator begins each thought with, "So..." We'll be back in 15 minutes after these messages from Cialis, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Abilify, Celebrex, Humira, Nasonex, and Lyrica.

Chuck Todd, Steve Kornacki, Alex Wagner, Chris Hayes, Joy Reid, Ronan Farrow, Krystal Ball, Karen Finney, Melissa Harris-Perry, Ari Melber: So you forgot AT&T, BP, Exxon, Citibank, catheters, vaginal dryness meds, and Christian Mingle!

One hour later...

MSNBC Host 2: So here to help us make some sense of our top story is the host of [insert any MSNBC daytime show here]. Thanks for being here, Other Host.

Other MSNBC Host: So I'm honored, my friend. You are awesome.

MSNBC Host 2: So no, YOU are, my friend.

Other MSNBC Host: No, YOU! So.

Luke Russert: Um, hello? So did somebody forget to intro Tim Russert's trying-to-fill-his-father's-big-shoes son over here on the monitor? So I've got an exclusive I'm dying to break right here on your very own show, MSNBC Host 2!

MSNBC Host 2: So we could never forget YOU, Luke, my friend, my brother. What's your scoop? You always have the BEST scoops! GOD you're good.

Luke: So, so are you. You are a FABULOUS host, as are you, Other MSNBC Host. You two are superb at everything you do. Nobody does it better. So I'm in tears. Seriously. So how cool is it that we're all such good friends? So who knew being this incestuous could pay so well?

MSNBC Host 2: So tell us your scoop, Amazingly Adept Luke, my brother, my friend, MSNBC's own Sage of Washington DC, Our Capitol Hill Crusader! So don't you just love these obvious displays of public camaraderie? It's like our own private little club! So whatcha got, my friend?

Luke: Well crap. I forgot.

MSNBC Host 2: So we'll be back right after these words from Cialis, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Abilify, Celebrex, Axiron, Humira, Nasonex, Lyrica,  AT&T, BP, Exxon, Citibank, catheters, vaginal dryness meds, Febreze, Aleve, Verizon, Samsung, Cliffside Malibu Rehab Center, Christian Mingle, GE, financial groups you've never heard of, and endless promos of other MSNBC programming and the new MSNBC website!

One hour later...

MSNBC Host 3: So now for more repetitive analysis, welcome back to the hosts of all of our other fantastic shows. You all do such great work. Nobody does it better than you, my friends. GREAT reporting! You all look GREAT! Our audiences should be tuning into each of your shows every single day and night, no matter what effect that much exposure to redundant political infotainment has on their personal relationships!

Chuck Todd, Steve Kornacki, Alex Wagner, Chris Hayes, Joy Reid, Ronan Farrow, Krystal Ball, Karen Finney, Melissa Harris-Perry, Ari Melber: So Rachel has a very special Special coming up! Let's plug it! Over and over and over again!

MSNBC Host 3: I was just about to. But first, may I just say, you guys really set a high bar for journalistic standards. GREAT reporting, guys! But now it's time for the Tweet of the Day from Chris Matthews, MSNBC's very own god. But first: So when is Ezra Klein getting his own show already? He may put us to sleep in seconds, but he does such incredibly GREAT work! GREAT reporting! What a find! Am I right, my friends? Hey Farrow, stop giggling. So I'll get your responses to this and more on the other side of the commercial break. We have a new sponsor: ZzzKlein, er, Quil.

Fade out.

(Laffy Note: I didn't forget to include Lawrence O'Donnell, Chris Matthews, Ed Schultz, or Rachel Maddow in the Long Host List. While they do pop in on election nights or to promote a special or a book occasionally, they rarely guest on other shows as commentators/panel members.)

AUDIO Snark: Save the Oil Executives! Sponsor one now!

By GottaLaff

This is snarkalicious. "Give, baby, give":

"There's a lesser known victim: Oil company executives... They could lose their second or third homes!"

Sent to me an in e-mail from my pal at Hazardous Comedy Network, written by same pal Jeff Stein, produced by Eric Smeltzer, Eric Harthen voicing:

VIDEO: "Can this doctor take this chicken to a gas station?"

By GottaLaff

Chickens for Check-Ups calls fowl on Chicken Sue (who, if you missed it, has backed off her inane, clucked-up bartering comments... sort of a poor man's Cash for Cluckers) with their first TV ad:




H/t: Greg Sargent

Sue Lowden finally chickens out: “Bartering Is Not A Policy”

By GottaLaff



Chicken Sue finally chickened out. Join me in the Chicken Dance to celebrate the end of her extended, and hilariously pathetic, clinging to the few feathers that remained of her health care barter system.


Via Greg Sargent:

[T]he candidate has now taken to her blog to clarify once and for all that she is not advocating for a chickens-for-checkups health plan:

I can understand why Harry Reid and his Washington allies and Hollywood friends are creating political theater rather than solving real problems. Bargaining, bartering and negotiating for health coverage is not a policy — it is a fact. It is occurring today and has been since the founding of our nation. If you want to see my policy on health care reform, it has been on my web page since last year -– and it remains there to this day. Nowhere in my health reform proposal do I discuss bargaining, bartering or negotiating, rather I offer real solutions that work without creating a new, government-run entitlement program that Nevadans don’t want and they cannot afford.

And people say Joe Biden has gaffe-itis.

PhotOh! Arizona's new Crayola color: Suspiciously Brown

By GottaLaff

My Twitter pal ZenShadow made this just for TPC (click to enlarge):


Suspiciously snarky.

Fictionary

By GottaLaff

It's daffynition time! Let's drag Mr. Fictionary out and see what we can find:

Bipartisan Negotiations: An exercise in which the Party of No badmouths Democrats until they cave.

Immigration Reform: Arizona's justification for racial profiling.

People of Color: Arizona's justification for racial profiling.

Tuesday: Arizona's justification for racial profiling.

All Other Days Ending in "Y": Arizona's justification for racial profiling.

President Obama: Arizona's justification for racial profiling.

Confirmation Process: An exercise in which the GOP badmouths Democrats until they cave.

Tea Partiers: Idiosyncratic older white people who indulge in outlandish costuming and peculiar hats. See also: Death threats, racial epithets, crayons, illiteracy, public humiliation, former SNL dingbats, faux rap, and lethal weapons. See also: Tea Baggers, Tea Tantrumers.

Press Conference: An exercise in which the GOP badmouths Democrats until they cave.

Hat-itude: See, "Tea Partiers".

Hate-itude: See, "Tea Partiers". See also, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Michele Bachmann.

Political Campaigns: An exercise in which the GOP badmouths Democrats until they cave.

Maybe "fiction" is too strong a word....

The Lowden Plan: Chicken Converter!

By GottaLaff

Little did Chicken Sue know that when she insisted on touting her Chickens for Chest X-Rays plan, she'd created her own Macaca Moment.

The yolks, er, jokes have been flying like hens running from foxes. Poor ol' Sue has egg on her face, and it doesn't look as if it's going to let up any time soon.

Presenting the Lowden Plan (click on images to enlarge):


Reading the fine print is a must. It's hilarious.

Go to the site and click on all the fun places.

H/t: HarborGuy

VIDEO: Tea-bagged Geico man fires back

By GottaLaff

Yesterday, Paddy posted about the Geico spokesman who got fired over an insulting telephone message he left for the Tea Baggers' little astroturf extended family, FreedomWorks.

FreedomWorks' Matt Kibbe then posted Douglas' cell number on biggovernment.com, which caused Douglas to get harassed and ultimately sacked.

None of this hubbub prevented Douglas from making light of the situation in his own riveting little video...

Su. Perb:




H/t: ZenShadow

Chickens for Check-Ups: The Website!

By GottaLaff

Last night I had a little fun with Sue Lowden's new and improved health care plan: Bring a chicken to the doctor in return for medical care.

For example, I bring a hen, or a copy of Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, and I get a proctological exam. Why didn't Congress think of that? It's right up their... alley.

So simple. So. Very. Simple.

Like the person who thought of it:

"Before we all started having health care, in the olden days, our grandparents, they would bring a chicken to the doctor," Lowden told a local news station. "They would say I'll paint your house." [...]

Lowden's campaign sent a letter to the Las Vegas Review-Journal Wednesday defending her stance and providing a testimonial of "Robin L. Titus, M.D." who claims that he has "bartered with patients -- for alfalfa hay, a bath tub, yard work and horse shoeing in exchange for my care." Her campaign has also been circulating an extensive background document explaining the perks of bargaining with your health care provider.

The Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee didn't waste much time developing a Very Special Website touting Chicken Sue's idea. Let the mockitude begin (click on image to enlarge):

Yes, it's an interactive site where you can write your very own letter to Chicken Sue, clicking on your very own options!

I wrote in telling her I'm looking for a doctor for "ill humours" (no "sick humor" option), offering my best ranch hand in exchange for medical services rendered. And what a ranch hand he is! He's worth at least three physicals.

What could be simpler?

H/t: harborguy

VIDEO: The Lowden Chicken Dance

By GottaLaff

Sue Lowden is not Harry's kind of chick. What a strange bird she is. Hopefully, this video will get her into a peck o' trouble, because it is pretty darn "fowl":

Reid's campaign blasted the video clip out to reporters this afternoon (subject line: "Seriously ... Has Sue Lowden Lost Her Mind?").

Sue Lowden, the front-running Republican challenger to Sen. Harry Reid, yesterday doubled down on her idea that health care could be paid for using the barter system.

So if you bring a pigeon, you only get your blood pressure taken? If you bring a hyena, you get a full-on physical?

What if you bring a moose? You get the Sarah Palin special? That would be half a check up during which the doctor quits in the middle.

The Santorum special is the trade-off for a poodle.

Oh, but I kid the feather-brain. I'm sure she's a good egg.

No I'm not.

What a dumb cluck. And the worst part is that she will most likely win.

VIDEO- Stewart: Explain Goldman Sachs like "your audience had NOT suffered a traumatic brain injury"

By GottaLaff

Jon Stewart, wondering aloud why even more bonuses are being handed out:

"Hand out over 5 billion dollars in bonuses to their 'fraud division'?!"

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
These F@#king Guys - Goldman Sachs
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Gold.

UPDATE: Great news...

Stewart, Colbert to Stay Through 2012 Election

VIDEO: Sarah Palin Wins "Worst Mother in America" Award

By GottaLaff

There is nothing left to add. Leave it to Mrs. Betty Bowers to provide the ("worst") mother of all snark fests:

Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, bestows Sarah Palin with Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers' prestigious "Worst Mother in America" award to honor Sarah's heroic efforts in self-indulgent, absentee parenting.

PhotOh! Summer's Eve with Sean Hannity

By GottaLaff

Best. Photo. Ever. A real "conservative victory." No, not the photo above.

Think. Where would Sean the Douchebag's book be displayed? Why right between... well, no, I'm not telling. If you want to see, go here. Now!

Location, location, location!

VIDEO: Harry Reid mocks Palin during speech

By GottaLaff

Apologies for the autoplay. We hate it too, but I can't find the code to undo it: NOTE- I swapped it for a youtuber. -P

Harry made a funny. That's a rarity and we should all treasure the moment:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid poked fun at former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who campaigned against Reid in his hometown.

Okay, the jokes are old, but so his Harry, and hey, we need him to win this. Kudos to the guy for having some fun at Smeary McIncite's expense.

VIDEO- Make it Rain: Michael Steele Voyeur Club Remix!

By GottaLaff

My Twitter pal Katie Halper made us a video:

Michael Steele, Republican National Convention of Drill Baby Drill fame, makes it rain! The RNC dropped nearly $2,000 at a bondage-themed night club and $17,000 on private jets in the month of February. Trickle Down Economics. Trickle Baby Trickle!

VIDEO- School House Rock Bill: "I'm a big f***ing bill"

By GottaLaff

Thanks to our pals over at the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon Show for sharing this with us. Gold:




And heeere's Joe:

No back wax for Rubio

By GottaLaff

See? Now this is whatcha call "real news":

Florida Senate hopeful Marco Rubio never charged a back wax to his Republican Party of Florida credit card, his campaign spokesman told CNN Tuesday, rebutting Gov. Charlie Crist's curious allegation about his Republican primary rival's grooming habits.

HairGate solved! Or is it BackGate? Or WaxGate? GateGate? WaxWax? Oh stop...

Rubio's spokesman Alex Burgos has the details:

"Marco paid $20 for a haircut with a razor on the neck, and he bought some items that went into a silent auction, including gift certificates," he said.

Whew! What would we have done had we not known that?!

I think what we need is a good old fashioned suh-nap! Why, here comes one now!

As for the back wax claim: "Charlie Crist's obsession with making up things about other people's grooming habits is bizarre for anyone, especially the sitting governor of Florida," Burgos said.

"It's also a shame he cares more about what's in Marco's personal bills than what's in the stimulus bill he supported."

VIDEO: Let's all move to Canada... Plus bonus Sarah Palin lie #57473734!

By GottaLaff

The whole video by my Twitter pals Lester and Charlie (aka bondwooley) had me laughing, but the real fun starts at about 1:38:



Let's all move to Canada.

Meantime, Gryphen caught Doozy McBaldFace in yet another fib:

In the above link Palin claims that while living in Skagway her brother was burned and they took him to the town of Whitehorse, in Canada, for treatment. However in an article written in the Skagway News around May 0f 2007 (Using the guilty plea of the VECO executives as a reference point), Palin tells a completely story: Her brother burned his foot badly jumping through a fire, and her mother had to take him down to Juneau on the ferry to the hospital.

Well gee which story is true? Did brother Chuck get medical treatment in Juneau or Whitehorse? Or are we to believe Chuck was terribly accident prone and needed to be treated for burns multiple times, in a variety of locations?

Tsk tsk tsk. Doozy must have forgotten to jot down those oh-so-essential hand notes.

VIDEO- Colbert: "It was casual pimp Friday"; Makes Hannity his b*tch

By GottaLaff

The Colbert Report, March 4:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Tip/Wag - James O'Keefe & Sean Hannity
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Skate Expectations

Slow news days allow us to post the fun stuff. And boyoboy was this fun!

Karl Rove: Cheney 'squirmed' when offered VP spot

By GottaLaff

Oh goody. KKKarl wrote all about Dickless McHeartStent in his new book. I'm sure every word he's written is true and accurate.

Of the heartless, by the heartless:

The parts of the 516-page book that cover the selection of Cheney as Bush's running mate suggest that the longtime Republican insider was not comfortable when offered the position.

Neither were we.

"Bush surprised Cheney by asking him to think about becoming his running mate. Cheney said he'd consider it but wasn't certain it was a good idea for Bush or for him."

Oh yes, I'm sure that's just how it went down:

Bush: Whaddya say you run for president, DickHead?

Dickless: You mean vice president, don't you?

Bush: Hehheh, nope. But that'll be my new nickname for ya. Vice President DickHead. But we'll keep that to ourselves. We're like that, me and you. Sym-pat-ic-o. Kinda like conspirators, heheheh. Accessories under the fact.

"Some people have suggested that Cheney engineered his own selection. This is far-fetched. I saw the man squirm as Bush pressed him to accept," Rove writes.

Bush: Whoa, DickHead, yer gittin' all squirmy on me. What's up, a-mi-go?

Dickless: "Vice" president. Too many things wrong with that. F*** "vice".

Bush: Hold up there, chief. You'll be holdin' the reins. Yer the head honcho. Oo! Oo! I know what'll convince ya!

Dickless: For chrissake, George, STFU.

Bush: Nonono, yer gonna like this. Lissen up: I'll bomb Iraq. Ya got my word. To smithereens. And then we'll move on to Iran. Man, this is gonna be a blast! Hey, didja see what I did there? The little play on words? Blast? Bombs? Heheheheheheheh!

Dickless: Deal. ... And never, ever, call me amigo again... for your own good. Just thinking of you, junior. Need you to stay in one piece if I'm gonna be surreptitiously running the damn country.

Bush: What's shrubterishously mean?

Dickless: STFU.

"Cheney had a clear understanding of what John Nance Garner, FDR's first vice president, had said about the office - that it was 'not worth a bucket of warm piss.' Cheney was too much of a patriot to act on that knowledge."

Yeah, Cheney's too much of a patriot to avoid the "warm piss" reference. But not too much of a patriot to avoid telling Pat Leahy to f*** himself. What a stand up guy.