I’m Moving to Canada. Part Two: How?

 

I’m Moving to Canada. Part Two: How?

[Originally posted in December 2021] 

So many of you have asked such good questions about our move that I felt compelled to untangle everything I could for you. In Part One of this two-parter, I explained why we made the life-changing decision to become permanent residents of Canada. In this post, I’ll do my best to explain how we went about it, what it takes, and try to provide more answers to your questions. I’ll be going into painstaking detail, because my challenges may help you figure out solutions to yours.

Keep in mind, though, that every situation is different. There are so many factors involved, including age, financial situation, family members, jobs, costs, logistics, and way more that I can’t possibly address here. Part Two is how we did it based on our own requirements and needs. Yours will differ. But hopefully, I can offer a guideline or 12 that will help. I’m no expert, and I found the whole process a little confusing and unnecessarily complicated simply because the Canadian government site roadmaps were so unclear.

Seriously, it was like buying an Ikea product composed of a million parts with instructions that omitted the obvious, and you’re stressed before even opening the box. But once you figure it out, you look back and say, “It’s not that hard if someone would just tell you step-by-step what to do.”

And we even had a top immigration lawyer to navigate for us!

The entire process took 3 years or so. The first few months were figuring out how and what to do. The following 2+ years were actually doing it. Originally, it was supposed to take 2 years until we were processed. Then COVID happened and our lawyer told us it was upped to 30 months. Then 36 months. Then, magically, after just over 2 years, we found out our applications were finally being processed! We were told that once submitted, it would take 2 to 4 months to find out if we got in.

To our utter surprise, it took 2 days!

We made it in and we were stunned, ecstatic, scared, intimidated, and relieved. Now comes the part where we have to plan the move. We’re required to “visit” British Columbia within 6 months, which is fine because we already booked a trip for next June. Once we visit in June, the clock starts ticking: Starting as of that trip, we must live in Canada for 2 out of 5 years. Any increments will do: weeks, days, months, years, it’s up to us. If we fail to do that, our permanent resident status is revoked.

Ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem, but we have specific personal issues to contend with: Mr. Laffy’s 95-year-old father lives here, and we won’t leave him. So our obstacles will include having to rent for a year to give us time to look for a place to buy, and doing that without living up there. We’ll be splitting our time so we can be with him. And we may not rent at all, we may just buy. Who knows? We’d like to hang onto our house, which we’ll need to sell in order to buy up there. See? I warned you in Part One this would be complicated.

And speaking of complicated, here comes the How part, the mechanics.

Let’s start from the beginning.

The very first thing we did was go here. And here. And here. And here. And here. After we did that, we looked like this:

Then a dear friend and Twitter pal (RIP Miss Myrtle) who lived in Vancouver sent along an article similar to this one (our lawyer is number 3 on the list, Ian Goldman). It costs a ton of money to hire an immigration lawyer. We needed one because there was no way we could do this on our own. We’re way past the age of people who Canada usually allows in, so we needed all the help and advice we could get. And we are so so fortunate that we could afford him.

There is a point system that the Canadian government uses to qualify you. Each and every little thing adds or subtracts points, like, as I said, age. Also, what you do for a living matters, because there are certain vocations that are in demand up there. You get points for those. Here’s a sample of a points list, but keep in mind, there is no “one list” that everyone uses. Ours was different than the one our twins will have to use.

For example, Mr. Laffy is a TV producer with a good income. We found out that the company that owns his show “Naked and Afraid” is based… in Canada! So we really lucked out. He got a letter we needed from the head of TV up there saying he could possibly get work based on some shows he could pitch to them, fulfilling a major requirement. Key words: “could possibly,” “could pitch.” There was no need to prove he would get a job in Canada, just that it was feasible, and we had to show proof of that.

Our twins, on the other hand, have to go back to college, even though they have their M.A.’s and careers and are in their 30s. Why? Because their easiest and best route is to attend classes for a year in order to get a one-year work permit. Or, they could go for 2 years and get a three-year work permit. Once they get the permit, they can hopefully find work. Once they find work, they can become permanent residents pretty easily. AND, as it turns out, their vocations are in demand. That’s our next hurdle, by the way: getting their ball rolling.

Another requirement: Taking an English exam. Nonono, it’s not your typical high school English test. Just because your first language is English doesn’t make it easy to score points. And remember, every point matters. No, this is more like taking an S.A.T. exam. It’s an all-day affair divided into several sections. One section consists of listening to a conversation between two not-American people, so their accents and colloquialisms (like “aught” instead of zero) are unfamiliar, making it difficult to understand some of what they’re saying. Then you have to answer a bunch of questions about what they said.

You also have to write an essay. Did I mention a one-on-one interview during which a subject is given to you and you have to expound? It may be an everyday subject, but you must go on and on as if you’re selling a product on QVC, during which they prod you along with questions. Then there’s another section in which you’re given a dense paragraph about a boring topic like some industry you’re unfamiliar with, and you have to answer questions. It’s a little like reading the Encyclopedia Britannica (I told you I was old).

Another major requirement is an FBI background check. We had to get fingerprinted. Twice. Well, to be more precise, I had to get mine done about 5 times because they didn’t “take.” I finally had to give up and write a letter explaining that this was common and show proof that I tried repeatedly. After we found out that we were finally being processed, we had to submit new ones (see end of post). FYI, mine finally “took” that time. Yay!

The background check also included all kinds of obscure documents and forms. We had to give them photos of our passports. I had to drive to downtown L.A. (an hour away) to get proof of my divorce from 1975! They ask you to provide the dates of deaths of parents (right down to the day, which I couldn’t remember easily). We had to pay a qualified, approved photographer to take photos that looked like mug shots that had to have very specific dimensions.

Of course, we had to cough up our tax returns and financial statements showing net worth (Hi, Trump!), and documentation of our education, from kindergarten through college.

There may have been more, but you get the idea.

Whew!

We sent all of those things to our lawyer, who tweaked some of it, or would ask us for letters of explanation or request some other odds and ends. He eventually submitted, and we waited.

And waited.

We waited for two-plus long, anxiety-filled years.

We took a trip to Canada in September/October 2021 to scout neighborhoods on the off-chance that we would be accepted. We found an excellent realtor and got to meet Lawyer Ian.

Both surpassed expectations. So did Port Moody, where we’ll make our home. And yes, our pup Hamilton loved Canada, and Canada loved him.

Last month we got word that they were finally processing us, but needed us to fill out yet another form, submit more fingerprints, and get yet another letter from Mr. Laffy’s work contact in Ontario. Everything was due on December 18th. If we missed that deadline, fuggetaboutit.

Last Thursday, December 16th, we found out they never received our fingerprints (thanks DeJoy). We scrambled (don’t ask) and got them scanned and sent electronically (vs ink) on Friday, December 17th. Done. Just in the nick of time.

Last Tuesday, December 21, 2021, we found out we got in. We. Got. In.

And with any luck, we’ll live happily ever after.

I know this saga was endless, but honestly, I get asked so many questions about so many details that I decided to be as thorough as I could. I truly hope this helps.

Now we’ll have two home countries to love, some peace of mind, and an amazing new adventure. Wish us luck.

UPDATE: The above post was originally written in December 2021. Since then, sadly, my father-in-law did pass away recently, and we’re now moving to Canada permanently in May 2024. Our sons are currently living in the Port Moody townhouse we leased in September 2022, going to classes for 2 years (see above), and will get their 3-year work permits. Meantime, both have jobs (having student permits allows them to work) but will have to find full-time work in order to help qualify for permanent residency status. We’ll sell our California house and hope to buy a new one in Port Moody, although there are VERY few available. 

Plus, in case all of this isn’t complicated enough, we’re required to be in Canada for 6 straight months (which we were unable to do while caring for Father-in-Law… We’d go up for a month at a time to satisfy our residency requirements, then come back down to be with him) in order to finally get an Medical Services Plan (MSP) card so that we can get a family doctor. And family doctors are in very short supply, have waiting lists, and finding one could take a year (health care is still available, via clinics and urgent care). Again, permanent residents do get free health care. The only thing we can’t do is vote. We’re still U.S. citizens. 

I could go on forever, but this is where I’ll stop… til next time.

I’m Moving to Canada. Part One: Why?

 

I’m Moving to Canada. Part One: Why?

[This was originally posted in December 2021 and has been updated]

When George W. Bush frauded his way into the White House, I cried for two days. My twins watched me, and they didn’t understand why. I tried to explain to them why I was sad. Little did I know that my worst fears about a Bush presidency would be realized, and then some.

When Donald Trump duped 62,984,828 Americans into voting for him– 2,868,686 fewer votes than Hillary Clinton got– and somehow became the *shudder* President of the United States, I cried for two weeks straight. This time I knew what was coming. Hell, I knew what was coming in 2015 when The Former Guy opened his big racist mouth after his infamous escalator ride. But I was wrong. It was exponentially worse than I anticipated.

Both literally and figuratively, I haven’t stopped crying since 2016, not only because of the tragic disaster of November 8, 2016, but because of the inescapable, nagging feeling of impending doom after having observed the proliferation and increasing intensity of his rabid supporters.

Watching fellow Americans openly revere such a despicable misogynistic, racist, bigoted fraud, serial sexual assaulter, twice-impeached abysmal failure, inveterate liar, and criminal who disdains the same fawning lemmings who were/are stupid enough to fork out millions to keep him afloat in cash, is beyond disheartening. It’s downright scary. 

And now, after years of T.F.G.’s browbeating a willfully ignorant electorate and an obedient Republican Party while exploiting his giant Hitlerian, media-amplified mic, what’s left of  democracy is barely hanging on by a thread. Yikes.

Trump junkies– astonishingly including, our own members of Congress– are giving the finger to us and a thumbs up to the violent January 6th coup, winking and nodding at white supremacist domestic terrorists. (I can’t believe I’m typing these words.) Q-aNazis are openly salivating at the prospect of shooting people like you and me, gleefully fantasizing about murdering rational citizens who cherish our voting rights, our legal system, and a small-d democratic government. 

Because of the anti-democracy party, formerly known as the GOP, not only are our freedoms in peril, but so are our very lives. 

Which brings me to COVID. These very same zealots are also anti-science, something unimaginable to me only two years ago. They choose insane conspiracy theories, eating magic dirt, bleach injections, and self-imposed illness over life-saving vaccines. They choose death over masks. “Pro-life” my ass.

And this hardcore mania is not letting up. In fact, it’s getting worse. The crescendo of irrationality is overwhelming. Congressional Democrats who try to stop this lethal crisis-gush are being stopped cold by members of their own party. It’s hard to see how this ends well. I care so deeply about this country, and watching it writhe in distress is excruciating.

Like you, I’ve struggled emotionally, tried assiduously to remain optimistic, or at least somewhat hopeful, giving every benefit of the doubt to “the process,” to elected officials who are genuinely and actively trying to win this war. I’ve hung on every word from legal warriors like Marc Elias who go to court on our behalf to do everything in their power to save what’s left of our beautiful country. 

Sometimes they win. Marc Elias wins a lot. But he can’t win the war, only the battles. He’s said so himself. Republicans are trying to change current and future election outcomes. It’s up to Congress to make laws that can undo some of the damage, but… well… Manchin, Sinema, and of course, the anti-democracy party.

And let’s not forget the oodles of courts stacked with Trump judges that Elias and others are up against. Nor can we ignore the ultimate horrific nightmare that is the 6-3 Trump Supreme Court, who, as we speak, keeps chipping away at every gain we’ve made, whether it be voting rights, women’s rights, gay rights, civil rights, racial justice, economic equality, you name it. There’s no stopping them now, they’ve only just begun (bye-bye abortion and birth control).

I’m old, I’ve seen a lot. I’ve protested a lot. I’ve marched, demonstrated, and have been tear-gassed. I’ve written, vocalized, called, emailed, tweeted, used my voice on radio and podcasts for years and years. When I had a career as a comedy writer, director, actress, it never occurred to me that I’d end up as a political commentator and activist. Yet here I am and here we are. And right about now I, like many of you, am feeling pretty unheard, pretty impotent, and definitely not funny.

After decades of hopeful effort, it’s feelings of angst, anguish, frustration, and dread that stubbornly recur. It shouldn’t be like this. And it’s kind of maddening, because I’m generally pretty perky and goofy. But over the past few years, outrage and despondency are breaking and entering my thoughts, sleep, and well-being. Insecurity has loomed where comedy once romped. I miss feeling safe. I want my family to feel safe. 

I need a breather. I need to know there’s a place for us where open-carry isn’t a thing, where strident fanatics aren’t stopping traffic on my lovely, quiet neighborhood streets with their Trump-flag-adorned truck caravans. I need to know my neighbors don’t want to hurt me, do away with my Jewish family and gay children. I need a place where misguided hatred, violence, threats, and slavish devotion to a mentally unstable, vicious, vengeful, wannabe king aren’t around every corner. 

So.

A few years ago, we did it. We looked around, profoundly alarmed at what we saw, put aside our fretting, and took action. We applied for permanent residency in Canada. 

British Columbia, to be precise. 

Vancouver area to be more precise. 

Port Moody to be precisely precise. 

My family used to take month-long road trips to Canada starting when I was 6 years old. I love it there, always have. It’s a welcoming, friendly, gorgeous country, and, despite going from sunny Southern California to a rainier, cooler climate, we said Yes to moving. (Sidebar: To those who keep tweeting me about that, the area, with occasional exceptions, “has relatively mild winters with little snow.”) We can deal with rain and snow, we can’t deal with fascism. We can’t deal with the growing velocity of Hurricane Insurrection. And after many many conversations, lots of analysis, both self, practical, and political, we made the decision to take the plunge and apply. 

It’s one of the most momentous– at once exhilarating and agonizing– choices we’ve ever made. But it’s so worth it to have some peace of mind, a safe haven, a viable option, a sense of security.

No place is perfect. Canada sure isn’t. I’ve had my share of Twitter trolls and pals remind me of that. I’m aware. But at this stage of my life, I could use some comfort. My mental and physical health depend on it. It took every bit of courage and determination we had to make such a life-changing move. The challenges are enormous, but the rewards are too.

One of my (now former) Twitter followers accused me of being “cowardly” because he made the faulty assumption that I would no longer vote or engage politically. Wrong. We will still be U.S. citizens. We were accepted as permanent residents, not Canadian citizens. 

We’ll still vote in U.S. elections, I’ll still be sitting at my same computer, tweeting my little smart ass tweets, sharing breaking news, trying to inform, making bad jokes, playing Whack A Troll, ranting with my dear friend and host Nicole Sandler on her show, and fighting hard for democracy… from up north. And sometimes from the U.S. too. This is more complicated than it sounds.

And for those who are interested in why it’s complicated and the mechanics of achieving permanent residency in Canada, here's a link to "I’m Moving to Canada. Part Two: How?"

The Best New Thing in the World: I met Rachel Maddow last night

Rachel Maddow at "Drift" book signing in L.A. April 10, 2012-- "I read you every day!"

Last night, a few of my Twitter pals and I attended a Rachel Maddow book signing event in Los Angeles, where we picked up our copies of her book, Drift, and had a rare opportunity for a very brief encounter with her.

The entire night was a liberal fantasy-come-true. The event was held at a theater near Beverly Hills, filled to capacity, and featured Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow. Essentially, Bill Maher interviewed Rachel about her book, and the two of them couldn't have been more informative, charming, hilarious, and engaging. After about a half hour, Maher left and Rachel answered questions from the audience for another half hour or so.

Then came the book-signing, which was run like a well-oiled machine in that, after waiting in a very long line, a crew of about 5-10 people, with assembly-line efficiency, took each book as we neared the table, passed it to the next staff member who passed it to Rachel, who took a moment to say hello, and then off we were scuttled to keep the process moving quickly.

I didn't quite know what to say to Rachel in the few seconds that anyone really had to say anything, so I said, "Hi! I don't know if you'd know me, but you follow me on Twitter. I'm GottaLaff."

What happened next was stunning to me, because, come on, out of the thousands she's meeting every day, I'm surprised she hasn't become as robotic as Willard Romney. But she stopped cold, sat up straight, threw her arms up in the air, smiled, and said something like (it all went so fast, I could barely remember, but my friends--particularly @Nay731-- witnessed and confirmed this account), "Oh my god, of course! HI!" I'm pretty sure she reached across the table to shake my hand, and continued, very enthusiastically:

"I read you every day! When I go to my Twitter stream and see your tweets, I always make sure to stop and read them! I love your stuff, you always get it exactly right!"

My jaw literally dropped. I said something moronic like, "Wow! You made my... MONTH!" at which she laughed and said something else that I can't recall because someone to my left was talking to me. So I gave one of my favorite Twitter friends, Jamil Smith, a former segment producer on The Maddow Show, a shout out, turned around to see who was speaking to me, and was I startled to see TRMS producer, Bill Wolff (@ProducerGuy1) an inch or so away!

I nearly fell over when he said something like, "Thank you so much for coming tonight! You were one of three I wanted to see here (he named @Ali_Davis and @PourMeCoffee as the other two)! He also gave me mad props, which puzzled me because he doesn't follow me on Twitter, and I was more than a little surprised that he valued my attendance, or even knew who I was! [UPDATE: Bill Wolff, aka Producer Guy, did, indeed, just follow me. He thought he already had, and didn't realize he wasn't a follower until he read this post. This story just keeps getting better, and I am so grateful and honored.]

At that point, I was so grateful and overwhelmed that I went completely fangirly and asked him for a hug. I'm happy to report that he was more than willing, and we had our blissful Moment of Embrace...

... which was abruptly ended when Security Guy told me to move along. Which I did... reluctantly.

The entire encounter had me floored.

Here is a woman, someone who so many admire (I'm at the top of that list), someone who is as good at teaching as she is at making us smile, someone who is never afraid to face off with her political opponents, who is not the least bit hesitant to correct herself when she makes an error, someone who is widely admired by the admirable... and it was she and her executive producer who were generously making us feel as if we were the important ones.

And that, as ephemeral as it was, is my Best New Thing in the World. 

Call to action: Twitter needs to use its power to stop graphically abusive accounts

 

  Warning: Some of the images in this post are not safe for work. 

Twitter is an open forum for anyone who wants to tweet their mind. That's great. I partake in a big way. But when I get tweets-- daily, hourly, sometimes piling on one after the other-- that are abusive, insulting, viciously demeaning, hostile, and sometimes violent, then it's time to take action.

Twitter sure doesn't. I know that for a fact, because I've tried over and over again to convince them that in some cases, it stops being free speech and starts feeling like assault.

 [NOTE: This post is not about cyber bullies, although they, too, are abusive; I've been harassed and smeared for years by one "progressive" who many of you became aware of and have since avoided. This is about extremist trolls, who also happen to bully.]

I regularly hear from right wing extremists, tea partiers, and total nutcases (that's not hyperbole, there are some very sick people out there). When they're civil, I simply ignore or block them, and even debate them once in awhile. And yes, I admit to succumbing to occasional lapses of playing Whack a Troll just to share their ignorance with my followers, using as much snarky mockitude as I can muster up.

But then there are those who pop in repeatedly to suggest various activities that they want me to engage in-- with my own body or theirs-- and apply colorful words like c**t and suck my c**k, simply because they've read my tweets and don't agree with me. I don't know these people nor am I familiar with their accounts, but they get some kind of perverse pleasure out of following my threads and entering my stream with slurs, attacks, and irrational tirades.

Almost without exception, these trolls oppose me politically, and that's fine. But the intense hatred spewed by many of them is disruptive, highly offensive, and completely out of line.

There is a particularly rabid one who should be in jail or in a padded cell-- again, no hyperbole. If I were to post screen grabs of his avatars, messages, and profile photos, you'd literally want to gag. My own husband couldn't get through them. Unfortunately, catching sight of them is unavoidable when they're in my stream or when I go to block and report.

Imagine the most frantically vile, graphic images depicting blatant racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny, bigotry, and self-loathing. They include explicit close-up photos of defecation and the most hard-core XXX porn you can imagine, abominable references, every kind of debasement of women and young men, degrading photos of celebrities and our president and first lady, you name it.

And the crude, twisted tweets he sends me match the vulgar visuals. He has also opened accounts using my likeness (taken from my Twitter account), as well as those of other high-profile liberals like Rachel Maddow, Lizz Winstead, John Fugelsang, Bill Maher, and Rosie O'Donnell, among others.

In short, he is an obsessed, deranged, seething, hostile, psychologically impotent (and likely, physically) conservative coward who consistently targets progressives, mostly women. Here are semi-cleaned up, edited grabs of two of his tamer suspended accounts. Trust me when I say, they get much worse than these:

Here is one of his defunct profile pages

A tweet he sent out under my name and avi

This is one reason I stay anonymous. It started when a stalker came to close, sending me a Google map of my neighborhood, so that was that.

This person has been suspended well over 500 times. I've reported him to Twitter well over 100 times, and finally contacted my local authorities as well as the FBI more than once. But because he didn't threaten my life, they did nothing. As I type this, he's added at least three more Twitter accounts that I'm aware of.

I've endured this for years, literally. Because of this, I felt it was time to put out a call to action. Perhaps if enough of us demand more oversight from Twitter, especially those of us who are sick to death of being barraged with disgustingly offensive messages and photos, then maybe Twitter will take notice and do something.

It's unimaginable that they can't devise a better system to rid Twitter of such filth.

By the way, when I tried to fill out one of their complaint forms, I didn't have a link to the offending tweet, so the form wouldn't go through. I didn't have a link because I blocked him, and the account was immediately suspended so the tweet was no longer accessible. So I'm snail mailing them, and I'm including about two dozen graphic screen shots of 93 of the suspended profiles I've captured.

Here is the tweet:

"I'd like to take a 12 in figurine of a smiling G W. Bush and ram it up your stinking communist ass."

Please share this post and contact Twitter. It's worth a shot to at least try to turn things around for once. I'm fed up with having to so much as glance at the malignancies that come my way.

Thank you.

Twitter contact information:

Twitter, Inc. 1355 Market St, Suite 900 San Francisco, CA 94103

And to Twitter users, some general contact info, not that it will do much good:

@Support

@Twitter

@Spam

To file a ticket, go here.

To report an abusive or offensive user, go here.

UPDATE: Here is a sample letter sent by one of my favorite commenters:

Twitter, Inc 1355 Market St., Suite 900 San Francisco CA 94103

Attn: Dick Costolo, CEO

Dear Sir:

I’ve become more and more alarmed by the threatening, harassing tweets bombarding people like GottaLaff and urge you to take them seriously. One man who sends one tweet after another threatening her, even sending her a map of her neighborhood, forced her to resort to using a pseudonym on Twitter and he still doesn’t stop.

Spam is bad enough but when one is verbally bashed and/or threatened it is not to Twitter’s benefit and such tweets should not be ignored. Just reporting or blocking them isn’t sufficient to stop their abuse; they simply open a new account under a different name - as you know.

Surely Twitter can trace an account back to an IP address and demand that they cease such dangerous behavior. I understand that tweets can be sent from IP addresses that are used by many people (at cafes, for instance) but there is such a thing as product liability. I’m urging you to hold the owners of such IP addresses responsible for the damage their users do. Even bar owners who serve people after they are drunk are held responsible for the damage their customers do.

I’ve enjoyed Twitter for a few years and want to continue to do so but such threatening behavior makes a pleasant experience completely abhorrent and there’s a limit to the amount of such behavior I, and others, will accept.

Please develop a policy to identify & ban such people from the Twitter feed.

MSNBC: Preen forward #OhButIKid

 

Oh, but I kid MSNBC. I watch it every single day, and despite it being the only major cable news outlet I can tolerate (or appreciate), there are a few observations that I can no longer keep to myself. Gotta vent. Here's my (satirical) take on MSNBC daytime:

MSNBC Host 1: So welcome to my very own show. So, today's guests are Goldie Taylor, Howard Fineman, David Corn, Joan Walsh, Michael Steele, Jonathan Alter, Michael Eric Dyson, Nicolle Wallace, Mark Halperin, Michael Isikoff, Jonathan Capehart, Kasie Hunt, Eugene Robinson, Ezra Klein, Dave Weigel, Steve Schmidt, and all my fellow MSNBC hosts who are all here to talk about their very own shows! Every single one of them. So have I told you guys what a great job you do? GOD you're good. You all excel at your jobs! To call you stellar doesn't do you justice! I'm so proud to call you "colleagues."

Chuck Todd, Steve Kornacki, Alex Wagner, Chris Hayes, Joy Reid, Ronan Farrow, Krystal Ball, Karen Finney, Melissa Harris-Perry, Ari Melber: So, thank you, my friend! So, congratulations to us! So, group hug to Camera Three!

MSNBC Host 2: So when we return, we'll explore why every MSNBC commentator begins each thought with, "So..." We'll be back in 15 minutes after these messages from Cialis, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Abilify, Celebrex, Humira, Nasonex, and Lyrica.

Chuck Todd, Steve Kornacki, Alex Wagner, Chris Hayes, Joy Reid, Ronan Farrow, Krystal Ball, Karen Finney, Melissa Harris-Perry, Ari Melber: So you forgot AT&T, BP, Exxon, Citibank, catheters, vaginal dryness meds, and Christian Mingle!

One hour later...

MSNBC Host 2: So here to help us make some sense of our top story is the host of [insert any MSNBC daytime show here]. Thanks for being here, Other Host.

Other MSNBC Host: So I'm honored, my friend. You are awesome.

MSNBC Host 2: So no, YOU are, my friend.

Other MSNBC Host: No, YOU! So.

Luke Russert: Um, hello? So did somebody forget to intro Tim Russert's trying-to-fill-his-father's-big-shoes son over here on the monitor? So I've got an exclusive I'm dying to break right here on your very own show, MSNBC Host 2!

MSNBC Host 2: So we could never forget YOU, Luke, my friend, my brother. What's your scoop? You always have the BEST scoops! GOD you're good.

Luke: So, so are you. You are a FABULOUS host, as are you, Other MSNBC Host. You two are superb at everything you do. Nobody does it better. So I'm in tears. Seriously. So how cool is it that we're all such good friends? So who knew being this incestuous could pay so well?

MSNBC Host 2: So tell us your scoop, Amazingly Adept Luke, my brother, my friend, MSNBC's own Sage of Washington DC, Our Capitol Hill Crusader! So don't you just love these obvious displays of public camaraderie? It's like our own private little club! So whatcha got, my friend?

Luke: Well crap. I forgot.

MSNBC Host 2: So we'll be back right after these words from Cialis, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Abilify, Celebrex, Axiron, Humira, Nasonex, Lyrica,  AT&T, BP, Exxon, Citibank, catheters, vaginal dryness meds, Febreze, Aleve, Verizon, Samsung, Cliffside Malibu Rehab Center, Christian Mingle, GE, financial groups you've never heard of, and endless promos of other MSNBC programming and the new MSNBC website!

One hour later...

MSNBC Host 3: So now for more repetitive analysis, welcome back to the hosts of all of our other fantastic shows. You all do such great work. Nobody does it better than you, my friends. GREAT reporting! You all look GREAT! Our audiences should be tuning into each of your shows every single day and night, no matter what effect that much exposure to redundant political infotainment has on their personal relationships!

Chuck Todd, Steve Kornacki, Alex Wagner, Chris Hayes, Joy Reid, Ronan Farrow, Krystal Ball, Karen Finney, Melissa Harris-Perry, Ari Melber: So Rachel has a very special Special coming up! Let's plug it! Over and over and over again!

MSNBC Host 3: I was just about to. But first, may I just say, you guys really set a high bar for journalistic standards. GREAT reporting, guys! But now it's time for the Tweet of the Day from Chris Matthews, MSNBC's very own god. But first: So when is Ezra Klein getting his own show already? He may put us to sleep in seconds, but he does such incredibly GREAT work! GREAT reporting! What a find! Am I right, my friends? Hey Farrow, stop giggling. So I'll get your responses to this and more on the other side of the commercial break. We have a new sponsor: ZzzKlein, er, Quil.

Fade out.

(Laffy Note: I didn't forget to include Lawrence O'Donnell, Chris Matthews, Ed Schultz, or Rachel Maddow in the Long Host List. While they do pop in on election nights or to promote a special or a book occasionally, they rarely guest on other shows as commentators/panel members.)

VIDEOS- Osama bin Laden Watch: The so-called "vigilance" of George W. Bush

 Based on this and this:

 

 ...it's time to bump this up, originally posted May 2, 2011: The September 11, 2001 attacks happened on Bush's watch; thousands were killed. Osama Bin Laden's death happened on President Obama's watch, yet George W is given credit for something he effectively shrugged off, something he made clear was no longer a priority. Like clockwork, the right wing media is accusing President Obama of making this all about himself, and they're even making awkwardly obvious "typos" and predictable slips of the tongue, while birthers have been trying their level best to delegitimize him every which way they can. But back to Bush... Via Think Progress:

...Bush seemed to acknowledge that he would never get Bin Laden, saying, “He’ll be gotten by a president,” without specifying which one.

He sure was "gotten by a president,"just not one named Bush. President Obama has his critics, but he did keep one major campaign promise: Bin Laden is dead, despite what the "deathers" are now saying. Indelibly etched into our memories is Bush blustering about smoking OBL out of his cave (Bin Laden apparently decided move to the suburbs and forgot to inform Bush), "wanted, dead or alive" slogans, and repeated declarations like, "we will not allow him" to "defeat our freedoms." Why, he even provided us all with those ridiculous rainbow colored terrorist threat level charts. What a hero. Those were the days:

 

And hey, remember this old chestnut? Check out the segment starting at about 3:00...






 The warning signs were right there, in BushCo's faces, and they were ignored. Richard Clarke, former chief counterterrorism adviser:

“And we sat in the national security adviser's office. And I've used the phrase in the book to describe George Tenet's warnings as ‘He had his hair on fire.’ He was about as excited as I'd ever seen him. “And he said, ‘Something is going to happen.’”

Think Progress:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) issued a statement praising Bush, writing, "I commend President Obama who has followed the vigilance of President Bush in bringing Bin Laden to justice."

I give you... Mr. Vigilance:

 

Osama bin Laden "has met his match", boasted Bush. "I really don't spend that much time on him." Clearly. Let's not forget this moment, which pretty much says it all:






 But this one says even more:

 

"Ba-Ba-Bobby" Jindal: I won't run for president

By GottaLaff

From February 2009:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Shorter Ba-Ba-Ba-BobbyJindal: There is no way in hell I can win. Why? There are any number of reasons, the least of which is how he's destroying access to mental health care in his own state.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal told a hometown crowd Friday that he will not make a bid for the White House. "I am not running for president of the United States,"Jindal said at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference. "I've got the job I want."

And the job he wants is privatizing health care and destroying lives in the process. Rachel's initial reaction to Ba-ba-Bobby back in 2009 still works today:

VIDEO- Countdown: "Who coined 'Tea Baggers'?"

I've been meaning to post this for a couple of days. It's nice when my brain cells finally decide to kick in. Dedicated to those who think we mean old disparaging lefties came up with the name "Tea Baggers". Wrong:  

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Who introduced the term again? Conservatives. Per the National Review Online, on Tax day, April 15th a gimmick was born. Why, here's a typically gimmicky quote from a Tea Bag-lovin' protester, now:

"Tea bag the liberal Dems before they tea bag you."

That little gem didn't come from our side. The Tea Baggers said it first. Oops.

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FCC paves way for studios to push first-run movies into the home

By GottaLaff

With all the big flat screens and spiffy high def Blue Ray DVD players and other techie gizmos, how could this not happen? Not to mention the whole "let's make more money" thing.

Via an e-mail alert from the L.A. Times:

Federal regulators have granted a controversial waiver to the Hollywood studios that clears the way for people to watch movies in their home shortly after -- or even during -- their release in theaters.

The Federal Communications Commission today granted a petition from the Motion Picture Assn. of America, the chief lobbying group for the major studios, that would permit use of a so-called selectable output control technology for watching first-run movies in the home.

The technology prevents the illegal copying of movies, which has been a stumbling block to delivering first-run movies into the home and directly to consumers. [...]

The move has been opposed by both movie theater operators and consumer groups, the former who worry it would undercut ticket sales and the latter who say it would interfere with other devices that plug into the TV.

I rarely get to a movie theater. I am on Cloud 10.

PhotOh! Palin helps "the cause"

By GottaLaff

Nanotyrnns was kind enough to loan this to us:

MeMe McMoneyFirst has her priorities, and they don't include any of us.

Au contraire, on Planet MeMe, Santa Cause brings lots of presents... but only to her.

To quote Shannyn Moore (who knows a thing or two about a thing or two) on Twitter:

Palin CHARGES the teaparty 4 appearances, says she'll donate 2 their candidates, THEN KEEPS THE $$$.

Can't get more "for the people" than that... Also too there.

BREAKING-- Oil Volcano "Triggered By Safety failures"

By GottaLaff

Via a Yahoo e-mail alert:

ON THE GULF OF MEXICO (AP) Documents: Oil rig's deadly blast triggered by methane gas bubble, series of safety failures.

Confirming what we already suspected. Hey BP, how does it feel to be responsible for Big Oil's Katrina?

More details when they come in.

RNC fires finance director & deputy director following spending scandals

By GottaLaff

Heads are rolling... because, hey, that's how the RNC, well, rolls:

The Republican National Committee has fired Finance Director Rob Bickhart in the wake of a two embarrassing scandals that originated in the committee's fundraising department.

Deputy Finance Director Debbie LeHardy has also been removed from her post.

Remember that powerpoint presentation to Republican donors that stooped to the usual fear tactics, calling Obama a socialist, blahblah spewspew? That would be the same powerpoint in which they referred to GOP donors as "ego-driven". Bickhart was reportedly the one behind it.