Glenn Beck's New Novel Is Ripped from Glenn Beck's Headlines

By GottaLaff

Glenn Blech didn't have to come close to taxing his warped imagination when he wrote [sic] his new novel. No, he merely had to grab some crayons and construction paper, and the words just flowed.

Gawker has a plot summary that you can read here, but suffice it to say it's as predictable as you most likely predicted. It's all about the Big Bad Liberals, fear mongering, terrorist attacks, and, well, get a load of the heroes.

It's not often one can profit from jotting down his own recurring dreams:

Through the magic of imagination, he can cast himself as the dashing young playboy and put a younger Sarah Palin in an adventuring catsuit and the pair can run off into the night, solving crimes against American traditionalism and safely waiting to do it until they can get married in a consecrated chapel built out of Lincoln's old house.

And they're aided by a crusading band of "patriots"! This means Teabaggers.

Go take a look. And bring some Kleenex, because you'll laugh yourself to tears.

Did you know GW Bush brought honor & dignity to the office?

By GottaLaff

Newsflash! According to Boy Georgie, he brought honor and dignity to the office! Both of those things. Every single day. Really?

I thought he left them back at the faux ranch with his not-horses, because if there were two things that weren't found anywhere in the Bush White House, they were honor and dignity:

"Every single day I was honored to be your president by bringing honor and dignity to the office," Bush said Monday afternoon, during his first foray into motivational speaking, at the day-long "Get Motivated" seminar.

Can you feel the motivation? No? Close your eyes, just for a minute, and imagine he's President Obama. Now can you feel it?

"It's so simple in life to chase popularity, but popularity is fleeting," Bush said. "It's not real."

It's simple to chase something? What the heck does that even mean?

As for popularity not being real, he might want to take a gander at this:

And this:

Now here's a quip that will prove anyone wrong who failed to recognize that Bush had a well-developed, sophisticated sense of humor:

Bush assured the families of war veterans that he wouldn't sell out "their loved ones for the sake of pure politics."

"And let me tell you," he continued. "I never did.”

Isn't he hilarious? I never truly appreciated his ability to draw tears of laughter until now. Tears, yes. Tears of laughter, not so much.

I see China from my house! Palin to address U.S.-China relations in Hong Kong speech

By GottaLaff

Because everyone knows what a foreign policy expert Sarah the Also is:

Sarah Palin will deliver an address on the state of U.S.-China relations in a speech in Hong Kong this week.

2012... 2012... 2012....

"We have asked her to address U.S. foreign policy, to discuss her views on governance, healthcare and, of course, China," Jonathan Slone, CLSA's CEO, told Agence France Presse.

Why bother to have her speak? We can provide her views right here at TPC, and for free!

Foreign policy: Always have good binoculars handy on a clear day.

Governance: 3 words-- Quit, quit, quit.

Health care: What's Chinese for death panels?

U.S.-China relations: Stare blankly and ask your dining partners to pass the Moose-goo gai pan.

By the way, her address will be closed to the press.

"She said, 'If I do that with the press in the room, I will have to say different things.' "

And by different things, she means the truth.

There is one more option: To save everyone a lot of time and expense, she could stay home, the investors could put up a big screen and simply project her latest Facebook entry.

VIDEO: Tom Price (R) says Obama dividing America--SNLworthy

By GottaLaff

"What I saw ... troubles me a lot." Me, too, Tom. A whole lot. You say Rushpublicans "stand for all Americans"? Really? Really?? Really?

Rep. Tom Price (R-GA), speaking on behalf of the Republican Study Committee, released a video in front of the Lincoln Memorial to illustrate how he claims President Obama is dividing the nation.

It reminds me of a recent Saturday Night Live skit in which the Republican leadership plots a strategy that shows them to be completely tone deaf.

You actually have to see it to believe it:

I saw it. I still don't believe it.

Epic flail: Sarah Palin Invited to Help "Rebrand" GOP

By GottaLaff

Yesterday I posted about the absurdity of the Rushpublics' choices to improve the image of their pathetic Party of No One. Things just got a whole lot more absurd:

According to Ben Smith, Sen. John McCain confirmed that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (R) was invited to be part of the Republican party "rebranding" effort but the group has not heard back from her -- another apparent disconnect between her Washington, D.C. and Anchorage offices.

Nothing says "makeover" like a failed candidate who incited hate speech, whose dubious family values contradict her holier-than-thou preachitude, and who is ultimately responsible for her very own office's inept communication skills.

The Unbearable Hilarity of Being Conservative

By GottaLaff

Your daily dose of BuzzFlash: A great rundown of how the Rushpublic Dufus Machine has been making us point and laugh.

Chartage

By GottaLaff

Those clever Rushpublics! Look what they have: Charts!

An anonymous official quoted in Politico’s story on the House GOP budget plans said, “We need to hold something up and say, ‘Here are our charts. Here are our graphs. It’s real.” Here’s one of the charts:

And here we were mocking their little presser. What were we thinking?

There are a few of these charts but only three graphs in the plan, all of them CBO estimates about Democratic budget proposals — none of them scoring Republican proposals, which is what a lot of us expected today.

Especially Contessa Brewer. Her expectations were higher than George Bush after a Near Beer.

May I just say

That Harold Ford Jr (lame, wussy) vs Tom Delay (unchallenged liar) in a cable show "debate" is just a fracking joke. I think all the gains I made in blood pressure maintenance by not watching "Morning Joe" anymore have disappeared.

See for yourself-

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Hypocrite watch: Bush v. U.S.A.

By GottaLaff

Through the looking glass:

President Bush, urging the Republican Party to become more “open-minded,” said the GOP is down but not out after getting “whipped” in 2008.

Bush, in a wide-ranging interview on “Fox News Sunday,” argued that the party would recover, just as it had following other setbacks. However, he cautioned Republicans that they must become more open-minded.

“It’s very important for our party not to narrow its focus, not to become so inward looking that we drive people away from a philosophy that is compassionate and decent,” Bush said, adding, “We shouldn’t have litmus tests as to whether or not you can be a Republican.”

How nostalgic. Remember when he was a compassionate conservative? Neither do I.

"We’ve got to be a party for a better future and for hope.”

Did some washed-up excuse for a president just steal a line from a far superior, future president? Why yes. Yes he did:

When asked what he would do after leaving office, the president said he wants to write a book, possibly on the toughest decisions he had to make while in the White House.

May I make a suggestion? Learn how to read first. Moving on...

Bush stressed that his own presidency was defined by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. Criticized often for extending his presidential powers to execute the war on terrorism, Bush said that the constitution remained intact.

He is referring, of course, to that one little remnant of aging parchment that he saved and framed for posterity. The rest of the document was shredded by BushCo years ago.*

He also defended the often criticized interrogation techniques used to get information from military detainees and terrorism suspects, which have been described by critics as torture.

“I firmly reject the word torture,” said Bush. “Everything this administration did had a legal basis.”

See Constitution reference* above. And blog title.

The red, white, and blue Green Zone

By GottaLaff

Via TPM:

Almost goes without saying (but it shouldn't) that the transfer is largely a formality and U.S. troops are still providing security in and around the Green Zone.

He's referring to this.

Some victory.

Obama to Announce Energy, Environment Team and Hold Presser Monday

By GottaLaff

Cue rise in stock market:

President-elect Barack Obama will announce his energy and environment team late Monday afternoon at a news conference in Chicago -- continuing a steady roll-out of his Cabinet, which is now nearly complete.

Obama is expected to name Carol Browner, former head of the Environmental Protection Agency, as the head of a new policy council to coordinate climate, environment and energy issues. He is also planning to make official other choices: Steven Chu, a Nobel laureate in physics, as his energy secretary; Lisa Jackson, the chief of staff for New Jersey's governor, as head of the EPA; and Nancy Sutley, deputy mayor of Los Angeles, as head of the White House Council on Environmental Quality.

Obama is expected to take questions at the news conference...

The questions will have nothing to do with his cabinet choices. It's way more important to tie him to a scandal so that:

1. The media won't appear to be as irrevelant as they've become.
2. The media won't have to report on complex issues like a Depression aka the Bush economy, foreign policy, the abysmal state of health care and education, Bush war crimes, their own ineptitude.
3. The media can be more self-congratulatory than usual for topping each other's numbers of "BREAKING NEWS!" graphics.
   
4. The media can increase their ratings.
5. They can facilitate the Republicans as they lay the foundation for their attempts to methodically destroy the very Democratic president who will do everything in his power to undo the horrific wreckage that the GOP made of this once-prosperous country.
   

Bobby Jindal says not interested in being president

By GottaLaff

Bobby Jindal says he's not interested? Then he'd make the perfect Republican candidate, because more than likely, he just proved himself to be a liar:

Bobby Jindal — the Indian-American Louisiana governor who is widely viewed as one of the frontrunners for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination — flatly said Tuesday he's not interested in seeking the White House.

"No," Jindal said definitively when asked if he was interested in being president, according to The Associated Press. [...]

Jindal said instead he has his sights set on seeking reelection to his current office in 2011.

Yeah, right. And my name is Sarah Palin.

But AP reports Jindal, whom many Republicans view as best positioned to transform the party's image, did not rule out the possibility he may change his mind about a White House run.

Ahhh, there we go. Bingo. The perfect flip-flopping Republican candidate.