Time for another Stand-Up Comedy Blog

By GottaLaff

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

The big news this week was that the Senate finance committee rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. But not to worry, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. "Eat An Apple Every Day."

SARAH PALIN'S book is coming out way ahead of schedule. It was planned to be published in March and it'll be in the book stores next month. That's what a big cash advance does to an author like SARAH. It makes her "write" a book a lot faster than she's able to "read" one.

The name of SARAH'S book is "Going Rogue," not to be confused with JOE BIDEN'S memoir, "Going Rogaine." -- But that's a hairy subject, if you'll pardon the pun.

People in Alaska are looking forward to SARAH PALIN'S memoir. They've already forgotten about the bridge. This is the "Book to Nowhere."

If you're interested, MS. PALIN will be at Barnes & Noble later this fall for a book shooting.

Officials have learned that some AL QAEDA suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid detection, are hiding explosives inside their buttocks. I can just see a female martyr getting ready for an attack, as she stands in front of a mirror anxiously saying these fanatic words - "For cause, country and Allah! And by the way, do these bombs make my ass look big?"

A study shows the ice cap is melting faster than previously thought. But let's look at the bright side. Polar bears are becoming better swimmers.

The Pentagon reports that in 5 years the Iranians will have the capability to wipe out millions of Americans. That puts them exactly 2 years behind the IRS.

THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

Baptists do not recognize EACH OTHER in a liquor store or at "Hooters."

And I recognize F.I.L. as being the only person who can make me laugh on a Monday morning.

Knock knock! Who's there? Secret Service. Joke over.

By GottaLaff

Watch what you say and what you write. This Live Journal entry is from 2004. The author had written a jokey prayer that read, "God, please take W?".

Knock knock:

A couple of weeks ago, following the last presidential debate, I said some rather inflammatory things about George W. Bush in a public post in my LJ, done in a satirical style. We laughed, we ranted, we all said some things. I thought it was a fairly harmless (and rather obvious) attempt at humor in the face of annoyance, and while a couple of people were offended, as is typical behavior from me, I saw something shiny and forgot about it, thinking that the whole thing was over and done and nothing else would come of what I said.

I was wrong.

At 9:45 last night, the Secret Service showed up on my mother's front door to talk to me about what I said about the President, as what I said could apparently be misconstrued as a threat to his life. After about ten minutes of talking to me and my family, they quickly came to the conclusion that I was not a threat to national security (mostly because we are the least threatening people in the entire world) and told me that they would not recommend that any further action be taken with my case. However, I do now have a file with the FBI that includes my photograph, my e-mail address, and the location of my LJ. This will follow me around for the rest of my life, regardless of the fact that the Secret Service knows that I am not a threat.

Now go read her advice.

Allow me a stream-of-consciousness reaction...

I'm not big on the Secret Service telling me what to say, but it goes without saying why they have to take these things so seriously.

Personally, I've always drawn the line at wishing death or harm on others. I've held to those standards whether it was during my Comedy Store/Improv days, teaching comedy to the kiddies. my private life, or during my angriest moments here at TPC...not because I might get snagged by the Secret Service, but because I've always found that kind of humor distasteful.

Yes, they're just words, but words count. That's how we communicate. Without them, we couldn't talk or write. They mean something, especially when uttered publicly.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not invalidating anyone's emotions, considering I have a few strong ones of my own that I have to keep in check from time to time.

But, speaking for myself, when it comes to wishing pain, suffering, or death on others, my little quips come to a screeching halt. Again, that's just me. I'm sure I've slipped from time to time, and I regret that, but as a rule, I steer clear of death humor.

I feel for the author of the Live Journal, she was throwing out a mild, casual joke, and she got a very rude awakening. I believe that was overkill on the part of the SS (no pun).

And just like her, I will continue to write what I feel, I will continue to voice my opinions and snark like a maniac... but I will be now be even more aware of how I express myself.

However, I have to admit, I'm glad Boy Georgie's not in office any more, or I'd have a much tougher time self-monitoring.

H/t: txvoodoo in response to this post.

VIDEO-- Steele on Obama's joke: 'good love between two brothers!'

By GottaLaff



Two brothers? They must be adopted, because they are nothing alike:

[W]hen President Barack Obama gives you a shoutout for being "in tha heezy," you've got to at least rap back.

Sadly, the reply from a man who once bragged that he'd take the Republican party "off the hook" with a "hip-hop" makeover, didn't include a single rhyme.

Speaking to Politics Daily after the press dinner, Steele said, "It was good love between two brothers! This worm will turn. My time will come. Trust me."

Psst! Michael! I don't trust you. But at least you were good-natured about the jokes.

Time for Another Stand-Up Comedy Blog: V.P. Joe Biden edition

By GottaLaff

F.I.L. (Father In Law), move over. Joe Biden's in town, at the Gridiron Dinner, no less:

'Axelrod really wanted me to do this on teleprompter -- but I told him I'm much better when I wing it. ... I know these evenings run long, so I'm going to be brief. Talk about the audacity of hope. ... President Obama does send his greetings, though. He can't be here tonight -- because he's busy getting ready for Easter. He thinks it's about him.

'I know that no president has missed his first Gridiron since Grover Cleveland. Of course, President Cleveland really did have better things to do on a Saturday night. When he was in the White House -- he was married to a 21 year old woman. ... I understand these are dark days for the newspaper business, but I hate it when people say that newspapers are obsolete. That's totally untrue. I know from firsthand experience. I recently got a puppy, and you can't housebreak a puppy on the Internet.

'Now let's see: we have a Republican speaker who was born in Austria, and tonight's Democratic speaker was born in Canada. Folks, this is Lou Dobbs' worst nightmare. ... We are now two months into the Obama-Biden administration and the President and I have become extremely close. To give you an idea of how close we are, he told me that next year -- maybe, just maybe -- he's going to give me his blackberry email address. ... But the Obama Administration really is a good team. I am the experienced veteran. Rahm can be an enforcer. And Tim Geithner is always there when you need to borrow money. And no questions asked.

'You know, I never realized just how much power Dick Cheney had until my first day on the job. I walked into my office, and you know how the outgoing president always leaves the incoming president a note in his desk? I opened my drawer and Dick Cheney had left me Barack Obama's birth certificate. ... I now realize that we have to be extra careful when we annunciate new policy ideas to make sure they don't look like they're personally motivated. For example, the other day there were a whole bunch of stories about the President's hair going gray; the next day there's a story about a Vice President who's trying to grow new hair, and then the day after that, the two of us come out in favor of stem cell research. That looked bad.

'I'd like to address some of the things I said: Like when I said that 'JOBS' is a three-letter word. I did say that. But I didn't mean it literally. It's like how, right now, most people think AIG is a four-letter word. ... Or when I announced our stimulus package website, I was asked how you get to it: All I said was I didn't know the website number. What I really meant to say was, 'Ted Stevens didn't tell me what tube the website is in.'

Bada bing! Rimshot!

Thanks for the transcript, Buzzflash!

Poll-itics: Many Tennesseans Admit to Telling Obama Race Jokes

By GottaLaff

Hey, did you hear the one about that black guy who lives in the White House?

Well then... As long as you don't think racist jokes are funny, what could be wrong with telling them?

A new MTSU poll finds that "nearly one in six Tennesseans has told a joke about President Obama's race, and three-fourths say they've heard or read at least one, even though only 15% of Tennesseans say they would find such a joke funny."

Look! I'm not laughing! Tell me another.

Obama ribs Rahm at roast

By GottaLaff

Prime ribs:

President Obama poked fun at his volatile chief of staff in a free-for-all roasting of Washington and its politicians Saturday night.

Obama attended the Alfalfa Club dinner, an annual black-tie event where the capital's political and business leaders give humorous speeches. [...]

"Now this hasn't been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm's idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again," Obama said. "Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony.

Bada bing! Hiyo-o-o!

"Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children," Obama said.

Badum-bum!

On Saturday, Obama also ribbed the club's roots and tradition of exclusion. The club was started partly to celebrate the birthday of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee.

If Lee "were here with us tonight, the general would be 202 years old," Obama said. "And very confused."

Is this thing on? What is this, and audience or an oil painting? Give it up for President Obama, everyone, and don't forget to try the alfalfa sprouts.

Chris Rock's Obama dilemma

By GottaLaff

Aww, Chris Rock and all the other comedians will just have to concentrate on the Republicans. They don't just provide fodder for jokes, they are jokes:

Said Rock: "He's just one of those guys, you know, like Will Smith. There's no Will Smith jokes. There's no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? 'Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You're such a loser.' What do you say? 'Ooh, your movies are big. You make $20 million.' There's nothing to say about Brad Pitt."

"It's like 'Ooh, you're young and virile and you've got a beautiful wife and kids. You're the first African-American president.' You know, what do you say?"

Try targeting Mitch McChinless or The Boner. They're good for a few yuks. Or yucks.

The best financial jokes of 2008

Excellent stuff. More here, but these are my favs. h/t Kathy.

"Get my broker, Miss Jones."
"Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.

How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?
Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

There's a surgeon, an architect and an economist. The surgeon said, 'Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect said, 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiled, 'And who made the chaos?'

(snip)

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

President Bush said clients shouldn’t be concerned by all the bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.

Cartoon via the delectable Luckovich.

New Video: Grow Up, John Sidney McCain

By GottaLaff

I'm getting more and more inspired by J Sid's disgusting tactics. My newest video chronicles a few examples of what this slime passes off as "humor". Real presidential, J Sid. Keep it up.

Let me know what you think. In fact, if you like it, please follow the directions in Comments, to recommend it to the Blogosphere.