By GottaLaff
This came to me via an e-mail from a friend. I have no link, and hope you haven't seen it yet.
Heads up (pun intended):
Apparently they didn't consider the sun when designing this wall...(Answer below)
Anyone want to take a guess where this wall is located?
By GottaLaff
Arizona passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. They're trying to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland -- Los Angeles.
In response, progressive groups are pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. What's worse, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state's drug supply.
The new law lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona will have to run out and buy leaf blowers and begin raising their own children.
It's an unbelievable law and it's already starting to backfire. The Dodgers are fearful of playing the Arizona Diamondbacks. It's not that they're such a good team. They're afraid they'll get to the ballpark and by the second inning half their team will be deported.
World renowned British physicist STEPHEN HAWKING says there's a likelihood of aliens out there, but we shouldn't try to contact them. They probably will mean to do us harm. It's not clear whether HAWKING is forming a new theory on extraterrestrials or if he's running for Governor of Arizona.
By the way, when HAWKING'S was divorced his wife got the house, the car and the bank account. STEPHEN got the rest of the universe.
The GOLDMAN SACHS hearings on Capitol Hill dragged on for almost 11 hours. It went on so long GOLDMAN made $2 billion taking bets on which Senators would fall asleep first.
Oil from a massive spill in the Gulf of Mexico oozed into Louisiana's ecologically rich wetlands. The spill is leaking at the rate of 5,000 barrels a day. It's so bad they now have to change the ocean every 3500 waves.
There's so much oil in the water I saw a guy fishing with a dip stick.
One oil-soaked duck was overheard saying to another oil-soaked duck, "I begged you to spend another week in Fort Lauderdale, but Noooooo...!"
Fish off the coast are so oil soaked a guy pulled into a gas station in New Orleans and said, "Give me a quart of 30 weight salmon."
A mother on the beach told her child, "Henry, wipe your feet before you come OUT of the ocean.
When the news came I was in a bar watching TV. When the drunk next to me heard 200-thousand gallons a day were spilled he said, "Hell, I spill that much on my way to the men's room."
RIELLE HUNTER appeared on "OPRAH" to discuss her love affair with JOHN EDWARDS. Not to be outdone, next week, JOHN EDWARDS is appearing to discuss HIS love affair with JOHN EDWARDS.
It was announced, the book former PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH is writing will be released Nov. 9. He would have finished it sooner but the crayon kept breaking.
The publisher says that in the book BUSH writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes. So far it's running over 1000 pages.
The title of BUSH'S memoir is "Decision Points." Is it really a good thing for PRESIDENT BUSH to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget.
Another "Robin Hood" movie will be out May 14. In it ROBIN tells his men they have to take care of their personal needs in Sherwood Forest. "We only have one Little John."
A man got hit by FORD'S new electric car and filed the first lawsuit in history to charge, "Assault By Battery."
By GottaLaff
A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland caused a major shut down of airports throughout Europe. What a nightmare. There were so few tourists in Paris, the French had to be rude to each other.
The smoke cloud was big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from WILLIE NELSON'S tour bus.
The volcanic ash disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything was grounded. Commercial flights, Private jets... The only thing still flying were TOYOTAS.
RICHARD BRANSON, owner of "Virgin Airlines" said the whole thing was a false alarm. The volcanic cloud would not have caused any problems, planes would have been able to fly. Of course, he's used to having planes not reaching their destination. As we all know, a Virgin doesn't go all the way.
There was talk that the big volcanic cloud was making its way to Los Angeles. This might have been true. Have you noticed? The city's air quality has actually improved.
Officials say that the two most senior leaders of Al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed in a joint U.S.-Iraqi mission. Actually, we can't take all the credit. What happened was their Lexus GX 460 rolled over.
GENERAL MOTORS paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and TOYOTAS accelerating and crashing into trees can do for you.
Fast food giant KFC is thinking twice about it's new sandwich the "Double Down," which consists of two pieces of bacon, two slices of cheese, held together by two pieces of breaded fried chicken. They knew they had to do something when a customer ordered one and his gall bladder got up and ran out of the shop.
According to TV Guide there will be 34 more "reality shows" on next year's schedule. I guess, from now on, if you want fiction on TV you'll have to watch BECK, HANNITY and the rest of the shows on FOX NEWS.
The Treasury Department just came out with a new $100 bill designed to foil counterfeiters. Not only does it have a 3D security ribbon and a color changing bell, but BENJAMIN FRANKLIN is out and ARETHA FRANKLIN is IN.
A man in Trenton, New Jersey, got his census form mixed up with his income tax form and now the Census Bureau is sending him a refund of 2 kids.
To discuss strategy for the upcoming Financial Bill, Conservative Republicans and Wall Street executives, in a hush-hush meeting, met behind closed minds.
In Oregon, a female high school student who showered naked in the boys locker room lost her title as Valedictorian. However, she did gain the title of "Miss Congeniality."
Speaking of washing up; in India an estimated 20 million people lined up along the shores of the "Ganges" to take a religious bath in the holy river. A million people taking a bath in one river? After the first week they left a ring around Calcutta.
By GottaLaff
Chinese PRESIDENT HU JINTAO met with PRESIDENT OBAMA at the White House. Good news. China has no plans to foreclose.
90 year-old Supreme Court Justice JOHN PAUL STEVENS is retiring. This is the most important action affecting the people of our nation, second only to when PAULA left "American Idol."
There's a rumor that HILLARY CLINTON could be OBAMA'S choice for the next Supreme Court Justice. If not her, there are at least four other women in contention. I think a woman would be a perfect choice. Who else has all that experience sitting around all day in a robe, arguing?
CNN is hoping to spice up its show "Anderson Cooper 360" by adding a live audience. If that works they'll try to spice up "Larry King Live" by adding a live LARRY KING.
LARRY just filed for his 7th divorce. Can you imagine being the bride when he was on his 7th honeymoon? She knew what she had to do, but how do you make it interesting?
TIGER WOODS came in 4th at the Masters last weekend. He's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your Jockey shorts.
CONAN O'BRIEN announced he'll move his talk show to TBS followed by the GEORGE LOPEZ talk show. On CBS LETTERMAN is followed by the CRAIG FERGUSON talk show. NBC has LENO followed by JIMMY FALLON. ABC has JIMMY KIMMEL. Then there's ELLEN, OPRAH and God knows how many more. I predict that in the year 2015 there will be 9 million people in Los Angeles and they'll ALL have their own talk show.
PRESIDENT OBAMA is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it'll be $6 billion and 45 dollars if they have carry-on luggage.
NASA is thinking of experimenting with sex in space. Their next capsule will be built to look like the back seat of a '89 Chevy Nova.
28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurses so they can act more like doctors, including being able to prescribe narcotics. The other states feel narcotics should be purchased the old fashioned way, on street corners.
The Premier of Japan has a plaque on his desk that says, "The Yen Stops here!" CHARLIE SHEEN has a plaque on his bed that says, "The Yen Never Stops!"
The new movie, "You Don't Know Jack," about the life of the infamous DR. JACK KERVORKIAN starring AL PACINO, will air April 24th on HBO. In the film we will follow DR. DEATH on his crusade for the right to die for sick people who see death as an only means to relieve pain. Here are some scenes that DIDN'T make it into the film and ended up dead themselves on the cutting room floor:
PACINO as DR. KERVORKIAN at a "Grateful Dead" concert -- handing out business cards.
AL PACINO in a Safeway Super Market shopping for "Arsenic Helper."
DR. JACK making plans to open his new hotel, "The Hilton Hemlock," It has one great feature, while you're checking in you're checking out.
A scene showing DR. KERVORKIAN as the only doctor in America making "Hearse Calls."
The doctor getting hit with a malpractice suit - one of his patients LIVED.
KERVORKIAN being acquitted after the court discovers his so-called "death machine" is nothing more than a TV Remote that only picks up reruns of "Gilligan's Island."
By GottaLaff
At TIGER WOODS' press conference at the "Masters" he denied ever using performance enhancing drugs. This was attested to by 12 of his mistresses.
Supreme Court Justice JOHN PAUL STEVENS is retiring and if we didn't have a Democrat like PRESIDENT OBAMA to nominate the new judge, the Supreme Court would be so conservative it would not only be anti-abortion and anti-affirmative action, it would be anti-histamine, anti-freeze, anti-pasto and AUNTIE-MAME.
SARAH PALIN gave a speech in Nevada where she criticized President BARACK OBAMA for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is, SARAH PALIN thinks that's an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them smart.
PRESIDENT OBAMA threw out the first pitch at the "Washington Nationals" opening game. OBAMA didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt because of what he learned from the Healthcare Bill. He handed the ball to HARRY REID who gave it to NANCY PALOSI who sent it back to REID who then handed it to OBAMA who got it over the plate.
Allegations of church-based sex abuse are increasing across Europe, leading us believe it was a much better time when the clergy was looked upon as being "holier-than-thou," instead of being "hornier-than-thou."
After seven seasons on-the-air, CHARLIE SHEEN told the producers of "Two and a Half Men" that 161 episodes is it, he's done, he's finished and he won't be back. Don't worry. He said the same thing to the folks at rehab.
A new documentary, "When You're Strange: A Film About the Doors," is opening. The Rock musicians had many imitators, the best being a women's group. Although they sounded like their male counterpart, you could always tell which one was the all-girl group. They were the "Doors" with the knockers.
The Navy says it's going to prohibit smoking in submarines. Sailors who want to smoke will have to, just like they do in restaurants and bars, step outside.
Kentucky Fried Chicken is offering a new sandwich called the "Double Down." It comes with two pieces of fried chicken, two slabs of bacon, two pieces of cheese and the Colonel's special sauce. The only thing that's not "double" is the bypass, that's a "Triple."
BRETT FAVRE has become a grandfather. His teammates could tell he was a lot older when he was on the playing field. In his water bottle he kept his teeth.
And when he held up his glass to drink a toast to the new baby, his Martini had a prune in it.
WORDS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR:
FROM YOUR MOTHER: "Do you have to call so often?"
FROM YOUR DOCTOR: "No charge."
FROM YOUR SHRINK: "You're cured."
FROM YOUR 8 YEAR-OLD: "Another helping of vegetables, please and turn off the TV, I'm reading."
FROM YOUR WAITER: "Forget the tip. I was awful."
FROM YOUR AUTO MECHANIC: "Put away your money. It was only a minor adjustment."
FROM KIRSTIE ALLEY: "Here, eat this. I can't take another bite."
FROM YOUR WIFE: "What do you mean, YOU have a headache?"
By GottaLaff
PRESIDENT OBAMA made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. After the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting.
OBAMA met with HAMID KARZAI and demanded more accountability. He told the Afghan President, "You've got to crack down on corruption, kick backs and illegal spending." If this works in Afghanistan, we're going to try it back here in the United States.
SARAH PALIN had a busy weekend changing diapers, opening up jars of baby food, cutting meat into little pieces. But that's what you have to do when you're campaigning with SEN. JOHN McCAIN.
SARAH was in Arizona trying to help McCAIN get reelected and she gave her standard stump speech which means: you ask her a question and she's stumped.
How does McCAIN introduce her? "And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, SARAH PALIN!"
Some young Republicans were caught spending almost $2000 of GOP campaign donation money in a Los Angeles "Topless Bondage Club." They said they went there on official Republican party business. They're so optimistic about the November elections, they just wanted a refresher course on what "dominating" looked like.
A "Bondage Club" makes perfect sense. Republicans love tying things up like: health care, climate control, financial reform...we could go on and on.
It must have been very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with Republican politicians.
OSAMA BIN LADEN has released a new audio tape in which he threatens to kill Americans. Or as he calls it, his "Anti-healthcare bill."
Fox canceled its show "24" but not to worry. You can still get your weekly dose of torture by watching the new eight-episode reality series, "Sarah Palin's Real American Stories."
PRESIDENT OBAMA will throw out the ceremonial first ball at the Washington Nationals' opener. In Washington there's no trouble finding a celebrity to throw out the first ball. The problem is finding a player who can catch it.
The New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox have such tremendous player payrolls forget "hitter," they're now using a "designated accountant."
Once again it's "Tax Time." That's when the government "of the people" - "by the people" - and "for the people" - stick it "TO the people."
Between the federal, state and city my income has been taxed so often it has stretch marks.
I'm doing my income taxes myself this year and it's easy. Of course, I'm getting help from a great computer program, "Cheating For Dummies."
The BARBIE DOLL has turned 51 which is pretty old in doll years. In her honor Mattel has come out with a special anniversary BARBIE. It has wrinkles, varicose veins and hanging hooters.
BARBIE doesn't like the way she's aging, but she shouldn't worry. Mattel is also coming out with a "Plastic Surgeon KEN DOLL."
DOLLY PARTON and PAMELA ANDERSON attended the NCAA basketball championships and brought new meaning to the words "Final Four."
By GottaLaff
To really understand how silly this filibustering ritual is, our pals Lester & Charlie envisioned a world where all of us could get away with it in daily life:
Watch to the very very end.
By GottaLaff
Congress passed the Health Care Reform Bill Sunday night and PRESIDENT OBAMA was so excited he changed his slogan from "Yes, we can," to "Yes, we finally did." It must be an important new law. When the Democrats reached 216 "yes" votes, House Minority Leader, JOHN BOEHNER'S, face turned white and his hair moved.Great. Now F.I.L. made me hungry. Let's hear it for another great F.I.L. knee-slappin' recap!
The Democrats knew they had enough votes to pass the bill when Speaker of the House, NANCY PELOSI, called her plastic surgeon and asked if he could put a smile on her face.
Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of NANCY and Senate Majority Leader, HARRY REID. And today, the PRESIDENT thanked then both for their support -- He wears it every day.
The sex scandals of the Catholic Church are no longer just an American matter with revelations of abuse in Germany and Ireland. So the old/new proverb is true; "Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers."
The problems of the Church just keep piling up. First, sex scandals involving American priests. Then learning the problem is world wide. Now investigative reporters have discovered three more cover-ups. The "Flying Nun" couldn't really fly. The "Singing Nun" was just lip-synching. And "Sister Sledge" is not a Nun at all. She's a truck stop waitress in Fenderlob, New Jersey.
Former Presidents BILL CLINTON and GEORGE W. BUSH traveled to Haiti this week. BUSH was anxious to go. Finally, a disaster you can't blame on him.
80 year old former astronaut BUZZ ALDRIN did a hell-of-a Cha-Cha on "Dancing With the Stars." The first time he put his foot on the dance floor he was heard to say, "One small step for man. One giant MISS-step for Arthur Murray."
You could tell ALDRIN was a grandfather. He wouldn't begin his dance until his partner played "pull the finger" with him.
PAMELA ANDERSON is also a contestant on "Dancing With The Stars" and we just learned that she attended a private parochial school. I believe it was called, "Our Lady Of Unbelievable Proportions."
SARAH PALIN was campaigning for JOHN McCAIN this week and I don't know how happy he was about it. While she was making her speech he stood behind her and it looked like he was thinking about his time as a North Vietnamese prisoner of war -- and remembering it as "the good old days."
This week PRESIDENT OBAMA met behind closed doors with the Prime Minister of Israel, BENJAMIN NETANYAHU. No information was revealed, but OBAMA did say the meeting was "useful and constructive." The exact words SITTING BULL used after his last meeting with GENERAL CUSTER.
OSAMA bin LADEN'S face mysteriously showed up on a recent new video. No word on its authenticity, but some people swear they saw it months ago on "Arabia's Funniest Home Videos."
California is close to putting a bill on the ballot that will legalize marijuana. The first hint that there would be a "Pot vote" came during a closed door meeting when the State Senators sent out for 2000 Toll House cookies.
By GottaLaff
Last week we had two holidays. March 15th, better known as "The Ides Of March," was the day in 44BC when JULIUS CAESAR met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate. Ironically, he was pleading for health care at the time.
March 17th was "St. Patrick's Day." A day when Irish people all over the world commemorate their Patron Saint's driving all the snakes out of Ireland. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18th as "St. Obama's Day." They want to honor the President for driving all the Democrats out of Washington.
Yes, March 17th is "The Wearin' Of The Green" and a month later the Internal Revenue Service celebrates the "Sharin' Of The Green."
Also last week, PRESIDENT OBAMA appeared on "Fox News" to pitch his health care bill. OBAMA on Fox? That's like GEORGE W. BUSH being on The "Learning Channel."
A WONDERFUL SOLUTION: If we took all the money the Republicans spent to STOP health care and all the money Democrats spent trying to GET health care, we could AFFORD health care.
PEPSI COLA announced it will voluntarily remove all high-calorie sweetened drinks from schools. No more sugary drinks in schools. This is part of their new program, "Leave No Child With a Big Behind."
French President NICOLAS SARKOZY and first lady CARLA BRUNI are both carrying on adulterous affairs. That's the reason newspapers are doing so much better in Europe than they are in America. Our national pastime is baseball.
OR IS IT??? JOHN EDWARDS' mistress, RIELLE HUNTER appeared in a "GQ" magazine and she called the pictures "repulsive." She said she trusted GQ's photographer to take classy photos because, as we all know, anytime you're pictured in bed wearing nothing but a dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, you know that's going to look classy.
In the GQ article RIELLE said she will love JOHN 'til death do us part, to which ELIZABETH EDWARDS said, "You know, I can arrange that."
Former NFL wide receiver WILLIE GAULT wants to play football next season at age 50, but he says he can only play the first half of every game. That still gives him enough time to be at the restaurant for the "Early Bird Dinner."
March 21st was the first day of spring. It's a day when KIRSTIE ALLEY comes out of her house, sees her shadow and immediately signs up for JENNY CRAIG.
It's a day when birds return to Los Angeles and we once again hear the sweet sounds of a Robin hacking and coughing.
It's the day when GEORGE HAMILTON takes the anti-freeze out of his sun tan lotion.
POLITICALLY CORRECT
Never call her a "babe" or a "chick." - Better to refer to her as a "Breasted American."
Don't say she's a "screamer" or a "moaner" - Let's just say she's "vocally appreciative."
She's not a "slut" - Better to say she's a "previously enjoyed companion."
And above all, she's not "horny" - She's "sexually focused."
By GottaLaff
The Senate voted against a plan to send a $250 check to 57 million elderly people. Senators decided not to give the elderly money, because as we all know, they're just going to spend it on drugs.
A new poll shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job PRESIDENT OBAMA is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he's doing, and 35 percent are still watching the Oscars.
RUSH LIMBAUGH says if the healthcare bill passes he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset. If they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
New York congressman ERIC MASSA has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. What is our Congress coming to? If it's not CHARLIE RANGEL trying to get into your wallet, it's ERIC MASSA trying to get into your pants.
MASSA admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. Forget being a congressman, why isn't this man Governor of South Carolina?
On the LARRY KING and the GLENN BECK show MASSA, without actually admitting it, said things that would lead you to believe he was gay. When his wife heard this she said, "I'm glad ERIC finally came out, we needed the closet space.
L.A. Airport has installed the first full-body scanners. They want to start the program in a city where everyone's bulimic so that the naked bodies on the demo reel will look good in the congressional hearings.
Former PRESIDENT BUSH announced he's writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, "Heads" and "Tails."
SARAH PALIN is getting her own reality show. It's called, "So You Think You Can See Russia."
Forbes magazine released its 2010 list of the world's wealthiest naming Mexican telecom tycoon, CARLOS SLIM, as the world's richest person. This man is so rich, when he travels by plane his wallet is considered "carry on luggage."
He's so rich his home in Mexico has three swimming pools. One with hot water for guests used to swimming in warm, sunny places. One with cold water for those guests who swim in the icy North. And one has no water at all. That's for people who don't swim.
The living room in his house is so big, it doesn't have carpet. They planted wheat.
It's Census time again and a man in Trenton, New Jersey got his Census form mixed up with his income tax form. But everything worked out OK. The Census Bureau is sending him a refund of 2 kids.
It's also Income Tax time, so I'm passing along a money saving tip. I put my parrot down as a tax deduction. The IRS said it's okay, as long as it only talks business.
This year marks the 50th anniversary of the "Birth Control Pill" and the manufacturer is saluting the 1.8 billion women who have taken it -- as well as the 950 thousand mothers who forgot to.
Research shows that over the years "The Pill" has prevented almost as many pregnancies as the "Tonight Show."
This week marks the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, but be careful. Last year a woman got a hernia trying to reset her biological clock.
By GottaLaff
WARNING: This may be about the workplace, but it is not workplace safe... exactly. Snicker.
Hi. Larious.
Via Funny or Die:
.jpg)
