By GottaLaff
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
At TIGER WOODS' press conference at the "Masters" he denied ever using performance enhancing drugs. This was attested to by 12 of his mistresses.
Supreme Court Justice JOHN PAUL STEVENS is retiring and if we didn't have a Democrat like PRESIDENT OBAMA to nominate the new judge, the Supreme Court would be so conservative it would not only be anti-abortion and anti-affirmative action, it would be anti-histamine, anti-freeze, anti-pasto and AUNTIE-MAME.
SARAH PALIN gave a speech in Nevada where she criticized President BARACK OBAMA for being a constitutional law professor. The problem with that statement is, SARAH PALIN thinks that's an insult. Only in America, you want to insult someone, call them smart.
PRESIDENT OBAMA threw out the first pitch at the "Washington Nationals" opening game. OBAMA didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt because of what he learned from the Healthcare Bill. He handed the ball to HARRY REID who gave it to NANCY PALOSI who sent it back to REID who then handed it to OBAMA who got it over the plate.
Allegations of church-based sex abuse are increasing across Europe, leading us believe it was a much better time when the clergy was looked upon as being "holier-than-thou," instead of being "hornier-than-thou."
After seven seasons on-the-air, CHARLIE SHEEN told the producers of "Two and a Half Men" that 161 episodes is it, he's done, he's finished and he won't be back. Don't worry. He said the same thing to the folks at rehab.
A new documentary, "When You're Strange: A Film About the Doors," is opening. The Rock musicians had many imitators, the best being a women's group. Although they sounded like their male counterpart, you could always tell which one was the all-girl group. They were the "Doors" with the knockers.
The Navy says it's going to prohibit smoking in submarines. Sailors who want to smoke will have to, just like they do in restaurants and bars, step outside.
Kentucky Fried Chicken is offering a new sandwich called the "Double Down." It comes with two pieces of fried chicken, two slabs of bacon, two pieces of cheese and the Colonel's special sauce. The only thing that's not "double" is the bypass, that's a "Triple."
BRETT FAVRE has become a grandfather. His teammates could tell he was a lot older when he was on the playing field. In his water bottle he kept his teeth.
And when he held up his glass to drink a toast to the new baby, his Martini had a prune in it.
WORDS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR:
FROM YOUR MOTHER: "Do you have to call so often?"
FROM YOUR DOCTOR: "No charge."
FROM YOUR SHRINK: "You're cured."
FROM YOUR 8 YEAR-OLD: "Another helping of vegetables, please and turn off the TV, I'm reading."
FROM YOUR WAITER: "Forget the tip. I was awful."
FROM YOUR AUTO MECHANIC: "Put away your money. It was only a minor adjustment."
FROM KIRSTIE ALLEY: "Here, eat this. I can't take another bite."
FROM YOUR WIFE: "What do you mean, YOU have a headache?"
Give it up for F.I.L. ...from whom you'll never hear, "I got nothin'."
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