By GottaLaff
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Last week we had two holidays. March 15th, better known as "The Ides Of March," was the day in 44BC when JULIUS CAESAR met his end. He was stabbed in the back by members of the Senate. Ironically, he was pleading for health care at the time.
March 17th was "St. Patrick's Day." A day when Irish people all over the world commemorate their Patron Saint's driving all the snakes out of Ireland. Republicans are now working on declaring March 18th as "St. Obama's Day." They want to honor the President for driving all the Democrats out of Washington.
Yes, March 17th is "The Wearin' Of The Green" and a month later the Internal Revenue Service celebrates the "Sharin' Of The Green."
Also last week, PRESIDENT OBAMA appeared on "Fox News" to pitch his health care bill. OBAMA on Fox? That's like GEORGE W. BUSH being on The "Learning Channel."
A WONDERFUL SOLUTION: If we took all the money the Republicans spent to STOP health care and all the money Democrats spent trying to GET health care, we could AFFORD health care.
PEPSI COLA announced it will voluntarily remove all high-calorie sweetened drinks from schools. No more sugary drinks in schools. This is part of their new program, "Leave No Child With a Big Behind."
French President NICOLAS SARKOZY and first lady CARLA BRUNI are both carrying on adulterous affairs. That's the reason newspapers are doing so much better in Europe than they are in America. Our national pastime is baseball.
OR IS IT??? JOHN EDWARDS' mistress, RIELLE HUNTER appeared in a "GQ" magazine and she called the pictures "repulsive." She said she trusted GQ's photographer to take classy photos because, as we all know, anytime you're pictured in bed wearing nothing but a dress shirt and underwear next to a Dora the Explorer doll, you know that's going to look classy.
In the GQ article RIELLE said she will love JOHN 'til death do us part, to which ELIZABETH EDWARDS said, "You know, I can arrange that."
Former NFL wide receiver WILLIE GAULT wants to play football next season at age 50, but he says he can only play the first half of every game. That still gives him enough time to be at the restaurant for the "Early Bird Dinner."
March 21st was the first day of spring. It's a day when KIRSTIE ALLEY comes out of her house, sees her shadow and immediately signs up for JENNY CRAIG.
It's a day when birds return to Los Angeles and we once again hear the sweet sounds of a Robin hacking and coughing.
It's the day when GEORGE HAMILTON takes the anti-freeze out of his sun tan lotion.
POLITICALLY CORRECT
Never call her a "babe" or a "chick." - Better to refer to her as a "Breasted American."
Don't say she's a "screamer" or a "moaner" - Let's just say she's "vocally appreciative."
She's not a "slut" - Better to say she's a "previously enjoyed companion."
And above all, she's not "horny" - She's "sexually focused."
Thank you F.I.L.!
Don't forget to tip your blogger.
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