Strollers, umbrellas forbidden at Obama inauguration

By GottaLaff

If you're off to see the inauguration, hope for clear skies, leave your baby at home, and wear something with lots of pockets:

Strollers, umbrellas and backpacks are to be banned from parts of the US capital for president-elect Barack Obama's historical inauguration January 20, planners warned on Sunday.

In fact, don't even think about eating or drinking anything perishable:

Due to strict security precautions, those attending the inaugural parade or hoping for a spot on the grounds near the Capitol building in Washington have been told to leave their previsions at home, including duffel bags and coolers.

Whatever you do, avoid creative expression:

Posters and signs are also banned.

Another word of advice: Wear comfortable shoes:

"A vast majority of attendees will be in standing room sections and should be prepared to be on their feet for several hours," according to a congressional committee tasked with planning the swearing-in ceremony for Obama and vice president-elect Joe Biden.

But don't worry, you'll be snug as a bug in a rug:

But officials say they plan to provide blankets and thousands of ponchos if it rains or temperatures drop.

They have made arrangements to set up nearly 30,000 chairs, mostly on and around the grounds of the west side of the US Capitol, where the oath of office is administered on the Capitol steps.

And all those Colt .45s and daggers you planned on stashing discreetly in your forbidden Victoria's Secret shopping bag? Fuggetaboutit:

Other prohibited items include large bags or packages, as well as firearms, explosives and sharp objects.

Plan on celebrating? Do not BYOB:

Alcohol is also forbidden on the grounds. But bars, restaurants and nightclubs can serve alcohol until 4:00 am -- two hours later than usual -- and food 24 hours a day from January 17 to 21.

Let's recap: No strollers, umbrellas, backpacks, duffel bags, satchels, coolers, ByeBye Bush banners, posters, signs, uncomfortable trendy footwear, bags, parcels, pistols, rifles, Derringers, lean-tos, box cars, bayonets, daggers, needles, Barbie Dream Houses, chopsticks, T.N.T., plastic explosives, H-bombs, letter openers, box cutters, Swiss Army knives, shotguns (are you listening, Grandma Palin?), cement mixers, crates, Projectile Bush Shoes shoe boxes, doghouses, suitcases, ice buckets, Chablis, Chateau Neuf de Papes, Budweisers (are you listening, Cindy McCain?), ales, lagers, Coronas, Margaritas, Cognacs, Jack Daniels, Absoluts, Absinthes, sakes, or creature comforts of any kind.

Now go have yourselves a good time!