A confidential survey by CAP News shows that the majority of parents who are against President Obama's planned "speech to students" are trying to keep their children from finding out the country has a black president.
Psst! Parents? See that rectangle above these words? It's called a photograph. They depict images of people and stuff.
See the man in the photograph? He's Barack Obama. Unless you hide the Tee Vee Machine, computer, and every periodical in the whole wide world, your kids may very well be exposed to a photograph of our president.
Or you can always unlock the house dungeon and resign yourselves to lots of take-out.
"I was furious when my [fourth grade] son came home from school last year and I found out they'd forced him to watch that so-called inauguration," said 'Sally,' a mother of two from Laconia, N.H. "Luckily I was able to convince him that it was just a movie starring a black man, like that funny Daddy Day Care with Eddie Murphy."
That's right folks, Wacky Black Man Goes to Washington is just frothy summer fare starring a Murphy lookalike. It's the highly anticipated sequel to the totally acceptable box office failure, Bush Crime Family Screws America: A Snuff Film.
By the way, what else do you lie to your kids about?
What fine role models these parents are, teaching their young 'uns to respect the highest office in the land and all. What loyal patriots:
"School is for the important things, like the Pledge of Allegiance, and praying," said 'Mary' from Fackler, Ala. "Who cares what the president has to say? Or at least this president."
Pshyeah! The leader of the free world is such an unwanted appendage, isn't he? What could possibly come out of his African American mouth that could influence anyone?
When asked why President Obama should be denied the opportunity to address America's schoolchildren when presidents Reagan and George H.W. Bush had both done so, the respondents characterized the current circumstances as different.
"Those two weren't Marxist fascists," noted 'Bob,' a father of four from Wichita, Kansas. "Plus they were more, you know - mainstream."
Gee, I can't imagine what he means by that.
"By that I mean white," he added.
::Smacks forehead:: Of course. That one went right by me. Subtlety is such an art form, and "Bob" has it down.
"Frankly, I thought it was pretty much well-known to everybody at this point, even the children, that I was, you know, black," said Obama in a press conference this morning.
Obama's obviously been watching the wrong movies.
"Apparently that fact is harder for some people to accept than I thought," said the president. "I suggest that parents, you know, get over it, before I send my shadow government agents to their house kidnap their daughters."
Administration officials later clarified that Obama was "absolutely, positively" joking about the "whole shadow government thing," but some studies show that parents' concerns may have some validity.
Next thing you know, there will be all kinds of nefarious co-mingling of... well...
"According to a survey we did in June, since Obama was elected, middle-class white girls have been as much as 60 percent more willing to sleep with black guys," noted Dr. Tyrone Wilkins of the Pew Research Center. "And they were already pretty willing to begin with. I'm just saying."
Okay, that was awkward.
Meanwhile, parents like Fred say they're going to do their best to keep Obama's blackness from their children for as long as possible.
"I figure he's a one-termer, so I only have to keep it up for another three years or so," said Fred. "Even less if we can get this birth certificate thing straightened out."
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