Liberal Interpretation: Their headlines, my stories

By GottaLaff

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

Man pleads guilty to DWI in motorized La-Z-Boy Last week he got busted for piloting a hammock without a license. As he was led off in cuffs, he could be overheard mumbling, "Good thing they didn't see the weed I had stashed in the footrest."

The Week of Living Cheaply. Sarah Palin expressed pride in the title she chose for her second book. However, her publisher was not happy. Palin's sex life was not supposed to be revealed until book number three.

New German government to slash taxes In related news, there's been a rush on plane tickets to Düsseldorf. Rumor is that Republicans and Tea Partiers are lining up in droves. As a result, the 2010 elections are expected to be a landslide for Democrats.

Liberal Interpretation: Their headlines, my stories

By GottaLaff

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

SD town gets rid of 44 tons of stinking bison meat: Once the crane was able to remove Rush Limbaugh, Bridgewater residents breathed a sigh of relief.

Baby mammoth preserved in frozen soil heads to Chicago: The IOC said it was the least they could do, especially after Rio, Tokyo, and Madrid all declined.

Daily Sweets Can Turn Kids into Violent Adults, Study Claims: "Waterboard Herr Obama!" several Tea Partiers could be heard bellowing, as they stampeded to a nearby, nervous-looking cotton candy vendor.

Sarkozy to be 'twittered' at climate summit: His wife will not be pleased.

To clarify: I take real headlines and make up nonsensical stories to go with them. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Liberal Interpretation: Their headlines, my stories

By GottaLaff

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

In San Jose, 134-year-old club celebrates statehood: Upon hearing that news, Texas lied about its age and declared UN-statehood.

Crack could keep Bay Bridge closed 1 more workday: Upon having this headline read to him by a staffer, George W. Bush proudly declared, "Never stopped me for so much as a minute."

Pelosi loath to drop hammer on Rangel: "On the other hand, I have considered poisoning his wine. I learned that from Glenn Beck," she was overheard whispering to an aid.

Liberal Interpretation: Their headlines, my stories

By GottaLaff

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

Mexico shuts Cancun beach, alleges sand was stolen: An enormous kitty litter box was spotted in an adjacent car lot. "Oh please. There are no such things as giant cats!" a testy neighbor declared, as he was walked by his giant Chihuahua.

Skeleton wearing a suit found at Ill. cemetery: "I usually prefer mini skirts," Paris Hilton was overheard saying, "but I wanted to be respectful to all the, you know, hottt dead people."

House panel votes to ban "pay to delay" drug deals: "I usually score, er, put my drugs on layaway so the wife won't find out, okay?" The Boehner snapped after the press dogged him all the way to his car. "F*** this, I should just move to C Street where people know how to keep a secret. Now back off." Minutes later, he was spotted a few blocks away, tucking what appeared to be a small baggie into his pocket as he ducked into a nearby tanning salon.

Liberal Interpretation: Their headlines, my stories, the sequel

By GottaLaff

It's barren out there, so here's another round:

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashes into Wis. home: The owner was stunned, but managed to ask, "Is that a giant weenie in my bedroom window, or are you just happy to see me?"

NAACP tries to woo the hip-hop generation: Their first action was to ban Michael Steele from the organization.

50 Cent slashes price on Conn. mansion to $10.9M: In a neighborhood across town, 10.9M slashed price on condo to 50 cents.

Liberal Interpretation: Their headlines, my stories

By GottaLaff

It's a slow day, so it's time to dig out one of my golden oldie fallbacks ::drumroll::

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

Arctic Mystery: Identifying the Great Blob of Alaska: After days of head-scratching, scientists identified the myserious green blob as the decaying remnants of the evidence of extramarital affairs had by members of the secret C Street Gang. Bits and pieces of computer hard drives, old love notes, receipts, and dominatrix costumes had apparently been decomposing for months.

Episcopal Church moves toward blessing gay unions: Congregations expressed disappointment, saying they felt excluded. "Who knew the gays were unionized?"one church goer could be heard mumbling as he knelt for prayer, "That explains all the picket signs."

Official: US may create terror interrogation unit: "Shouldn't be too hard to interrogate terror," one cocky U.S. official said, on the condition of anonymity. "Hell, we had a whole damn war against it for 8 years. Asking it a bunch of questions'll be a piece-o'-cake." As he left the room, his aide whispered,"Do we get to waterboard terror, too? Or are we pretty much over that...?"

Liberal Interpretation

By GottaLaff

Liberal Interpretation

Their headlines, my stories

Al-Qaida: Explosives expert wanted by US killed After being declared dead twice, Abu Khabab al-Masri decided he was bored with the Just Shoot Me game and agreed to succumb to the Grim Reaper. Ironically, his rising from the dead has sparked a new religious movement. In a related story, EBay is featuring a 1994 SunChip that bears his image.

Dark horses emerge in Obama-McCain VP stakes Of course, McCain swears there's nothing racist about referring to them as dark horses, and but didn't hesitate to call them "presumptous horses". Obama calls McCain's remarks "cynical".

McCain awakes and ignites White House race He'd been out for some time. While admittedly groggy and more than a little cranky, McCain had countless questions about what those loud, speedy, rolling machines with four wheels were, and was visibly spellbound by the magical moving images coming from the big box in his living room.