By GottaLaff
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
The Winter Olympics began in Vancouver with an opening parade of athletes. What a thrill to see steroids of all nations marching and bulging together.D'oh!
Drug testing has become so commonplace around the Olympic Village, officials are considering making "Urine Sampling" a sanctioned event.
Vancouver authorities, fearing terrorism may affect the Olympics, have beefed up security. This year the starter pistols will have real bullets.
At the end of the near perfect opening ceremony, the lighting of the Olympic cauldron was tarnished by a technical glitch. One of four pillars designed to rise from the stadium floor wouldn't go up. Of course, every man who uses Viagra or Cialis can sympathize with this problem.
If the Olympics teach us anything it's that the most important things in life are dedication, persistence and the refusal to give up until victory is at hand. I'm not talking about the athletes, I mean the fans in the stadium trying to find a parking space.
How the world has changed. When I was young I always heard how parents would worry about kids running away. Today we're afraid our Toyota will run away.
The country was hit with horrendous weather last week. Torrential rain in the west. tornados in the midwest, major snow storms in the east. Yes it's definite, Mother Nature has PMS.
We should have been expecting it. When the Groundhog came out last week, he took one look and said, "To hell with my shadow. I'm going to Miami."
The entire East Coast was covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers called them, "cushions."
There was so much snow in our nation's capital, the city was whiter than the "Tea Bagger" convention.
It was so cold in Washington, Massachusetts Senator, SCOTT BROWN, was so new-on-the-job he was seen with his hands in his own pocket.
We learned that SARAH PALIN writes notes on her hand when she's giving speeches, which is not all that surprising. She's been giving the country a hand job since she was nominated for Vice President.
SARAH PALIN doesn't have to worry about being smarter. She just needs bigger hands.
SARAH was also affected by the cold weather. She had to cancel a speech. She didn't want to take her mittens off to read.
Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl. When GEORGE W. heard that New Orleans finally had a winner, he called his old friend and said, "Brownie, you did a heck of a job."
Former President BILL CLINTON was in the hospital for angioplasty. If you'd like to send BILL a Valentine's Day gift he's registered at "Artery Barn."
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