By GottaLaff
UPDATE: Here's the video...
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Bigger than god.
As I type this, 35 minutes of MSNBC's and CNN's "news"casts have been devoted to the genesis of the Redemption of Tiger Woods.
He boinked 4,000 women and now he's here to say how sorry he is... sorry, that is, that his career needs rehab:
I'm sorry. It's my fault. I had affairs. I cheated. For years. And years. Because I could.
Because, come on, they were so hottt.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry...
... that I got caught.
That will never happen again.
Please look me in the eyes, because I trained for weeks to look into the camera, to exude sincerity and contrition. I even threw in Buddhism, and now I need unequivocal validation that I gave an Oscar-winning performance.
I hit all the keywords, I stayed on message... and now I want my role model status back.
No, seriously. Like you wouldn't believe.
You in the back, your head's not bowed.
I stood in front of a stark blue background, at a starkly plain podium, looking down at starkly humiliated, teeth-gnashing Mom, looked into the stark camera lens, and delivered the hell out of a somber, polished speech.
An then, in hushed, reverent tones, cameth the Panel.
Even High Priest Armstrong Williams was summoned to preach to the congregation.
Yes, flock, The Church of Tiger Woods assembled, the prayer service was underway, and The Panel glanced heavenward, and then proceeded to look to the gods of emotional analysis, solemn parsing, Very Serious Boffo Reviews... and invoke a silent prayer that sponsors will once again release torrents of cash that will once again bring peace and prosperity to the media and the PGA.
We're at 57 minutes now.
Nike has forgiven him.
All rise.
Tiger, The Holy Panel of Newsotainment Punditiots and Nike hath shown mercy, and hath calleth upon us to doeth the same.
After all, Tiger said he was sorry really, really well.
Amen.
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