By GottaLaff
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Los Angeles Dodgers owner FRANK McCOURT and his estranged wife JAMIE are fighting bitterly over the division of money and property. Soon they will be faced with the thorniest issue of all, which one gets custody of TOMMY LASORDA.F.I.L. will be appearing nightly at... his own house. Give him a hand, folks!
Aside from the baseball team, FRANK and JAMIE have to work out who's going to get the many other properties they own. But the McCOURTS are going to divide everything fair and square. They're going to throw all the Zip Codes in a hat and draw.
As a Northwest Airlines jetliner flying at 37,000 feet sped 150 miles past its destination, Minneapolis, the big question remains, was the crew distracted, drunk, or simply asleep? We don't know, but one passenger said he became suspicious when he saw the pilot coming down the aisle wearing pajamas and carrying a book and a glass of milk.
Because of lack of business, the Post Office may have to cancel the Saturday delivery of the mail. I was so upset by this news which I learned from 27 e-mails and 40 people who texted and twittered me the information.
PRESIDENT OBAMA announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his "Cash for Geezers" program.
According to USA Today, car thefts are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner is living in it.
If watching fish in their actual habitat and enjoying their ways of swimming and living together is your thing, you'd better get out there quick and have a look. "Sea World" has just been sold to the owner of the "Long John Silver" seafood restaurant chain. You do the math.
The Dow Jones hit 10,000 last week and it looks like the recession is coming to an end, but you still have to be careful when looking for a place to put your money. Here are a few tips:
Never deal with a bank where the President shows up for work in a ski-mask.
If the bank teller has two packed suitcases next to him, run, don't walk to the nearest exit!
Be careful about investing in stocks. Try to lose your money the old fashioned way, by spending it.
Avoid putting your money in any CD's that have the words, "EDDIE FISHER'S Greatest Hits" on the cover.
China's first PIZZA HUT opened in Beijing and the hit of the menu is "The Great Wall Pizza." Eat one and Mongol hordes march through your colon all night.
Another favorite is "Spicy Szechuan Egg Foo Pepperoni." One bite and you not only burn your Mao Tse Tongue, but yell out "Chiang Kai Check Please!"
Halloween is upon us again and as she does every year, HEIDI FLEISS will be going from door to door wanting to know if they'll play "Trick or Trick."
Last year a kid came to my door just to use the bathroom. I said "Trick or Treat?" He said, "Now or never!"
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