Time for another Stand-Up Comedy Blog

By GottaLaff

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

MARK SANFORD, the governor of South Carolina admitted to having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Great! Now we're outsourcing mistresses.

How dare this man, in this economy, outsource a mistress to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States.

The whole affair is topsy-turvy. SANFORD, a married man, spent four days with a woman from Argentina, while his wife was back home singing, "Don't Cry For Me South Carolina.

Last week Senator JOHN ENSIGN of Nevada, a Republican, admits he's having an affair. This week, Governor MARK SANFORD of South Carolina, a Republican, admits HE'S having an affair. Why do Republicans have this problem? I think it all started with BOB DOLE, when he was doing all those commercials for Viagra.

There is still great unrest in Iran over the election and the government continues to crack down on protesters. To disperse crowds, Iranian police are using tear gas, water cannons and the NBC prime time lineup.

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD declared himself the winner, had a victory party and thanked the 157-percent of the people who voted for him.

DICK CHENEY has just come out with his thousand-page memoir. Talk about torture. There's your torture right there. If you're interested in picking up a copy, get down to BARNES & NOBLE, the former VICE PRESIDENT is having a "Book Shooting."

After the pilot of a commercial airliner died on a flight from London to the U.S. last week, a Federal study revealed that 1 out of 7 pilots fall asleep in the cockpit in mid-flight. Don't be surprised if, prior to landing, you hear the flight attendant announce, "Please return all trays, seats and the pilot to an upright position."

How about all that rain they had at the US Open? I haven't seen so many rich, white people getting soaked since BERNIE MADOFF.

With all this talk of a Federal Healthcare Program, the American Medical Association is thinking of unionizing. I say good luck to those doctors. If they ever go on strike, no one will be able to read their picket signs.

Tobacco growing states are upset about PRESIDENT OBAMA'S new tax on cigarettes. They claim it will be detrimental to farmers - not to mention undertakers, casket makers, critical care nurses and chemotherapists.

The Bald Eagle has been removed from the endangered species list thanks to conservation, environmentalists and the invention of the "comb-over."

We are going into "The Dog Days" of summer (July 3rd to August 15th). To the superstitious, these super hot days are believed to be an evil time when wolves go mad, the sea boils over and all creatures go into paroxysms of hysteria and madness. But enough about SARAH PALIN'S fight with DAVID LETTERMAN.

BONUS! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY WOODSTOCK:

Woodstock, the birthplace of 60's Rock, is celebrating its 40th anniversary and the kids who partied so wildly are also 40 years older. It's time for some of the groups to change their names to reflect the ages of their fans.

The "Everly Brothers" should become the "Elderly Brothers."

How about "Blood, Sweat and Depends."

"Earth, Wind and Gas X"

It should now be, "Gladys Knight and the Prunes"

The "Lovin' Spoonful of Kaopectate"

And of course...

"Sly And The Family Plot"

I'm back, but just for a day and a half. I missed everyone!

You may see one or two pre-scheduled posts later in the week with my name on them, and with any luck, my brand new mini-laptop will work way up in the mountains at Lake Tahoe. I'll do my best to give poor overworked Paddy a break, if at all possible. If not, expect lighter posting until Monday.

Meantime, thank you F.I.L. for writing so many great jokes to fill up this entire post for me as I ease back in. In fact, can you just take over for Paddy and me for a couple of weeks?

We can't pay you, but hey, think of all the admirers you'll rack up.