Afternoon Distraction

Did I ever mention that I can't stand Seinfeld?

GOP wants to be committed. Agreed. They should be.

By GottaLaff

Contracts are out, commitments are in. Who knew the GOP was so trendy schmendy?

And I do have to agree-- The Rushpublics should be committed:

Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) gave peeks Sunday at the "Commitment to America" that would replace the GOP's "Contract With America" in the run-up to midterm elections. [...]

He said the "Commitment" would place a greater emphasis on Internet tools to get the message out and "help restore trust... using our principles to find what's best for America."

Those wacky Rushpublics and their crazy pledges. They take so many of them, and yet...

See, they know how to take the pledges, they just don't know how to keep the pledges...

"If we do not do the job, throw us out," he said.

Now that's a pledge I hope they keep.

Time for another Stand-Up Comedy Blog

By GottaLaff

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

What a week. Canada held the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and we held a Healthcare summit in Washington. And we still don't know which one showed us the bigger snow job.

Olympic skier LINDSEY VONN won a Gold medal for being the fastest to go downhill, that is if you don't count NBC.

The East Coast is still covered in snow. Millions of people are unable to get to where they USED to work.

PRESIDENT OBAMA had his annual physical and according to his doctors everything is all right. Former Vice President DICK CHENEY also went in for his annual checkup and everything is also okay, according to his taxidermist.

Forget about JEFF BRIDGES as a nominee for leading actor. CHENEY should get the award for "Crazy Heart."

Democrats have introduced a bill requiring all members of the Senate to remain seated until JIM BUNNING'S mouth has come to a complete stop.

Representative CHARLES RANGEL, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now and so far they have not found one single trace of ethics.

KARL ROVE'S new book confirms that he and BUSH were lying. It happened in chapter two, when he and the PRESIDENT announce that Iraq had "Weapons of Mass Distruction" and their pants went on fire.

Greece is struggling to get out from underneath billions of dollars of debt. Financial analysts say Greece's economy is in ruins. Have you ever looked around Greece? Ruins is their business.

Gatorade officially ended their relationship with TIGER WOODS after they checked his cell phone and found texts from Powerade, Vitamin Water and five other sports drinks.

The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. Authorities became suspicious when five of the planes landed at a "Toys R Us" parking lot.

Astronaut BUZZ ALDRIN will be on TV next season. First he was "Walking on the Moon" now he'll be "Dancing with the Stars."

Talent coordinators thought the 80 year-old ALDRIN would be a great dancer when they saw how smooth he walked. They didn't realize he had just come back from a prostate exam.

"American Idol" judge, SIMON COWELL, announced his engagement to his longtime girlfriend MEZHGAN HUSSAINY. They've been holding off until SIMON could pronounce her name.

They both realize that in marriage there will be some difficult and unhappy times. The first, I believe, will be when SIMON auditions a wedding singer.

There is no truth to the rumor that a group of "Tea Baggers" were thinking of picketing the Oscars, claiming that the film "Inglorious Bastards" is a thinly veiled liberal attack on right wing Republicans.

As it always is, the most touching moment in the Academy Awards came when they gave the yearly tribute to those stars who have passed away and gone to a better place, the "Turner Classic Movie Channel."

The "In Memoriam" segment of the show included photos of PATRICK SWAYZE, JENNIFER JONES and clips from the "Jay Leno Show."

Winning an Oscar really helps a star's career. Right after the 1997 Academy Awards, KENNETH BRANAGH took one look at that year's winner, CUBA GOODING, and immediately signed him for his latest project, "Hamlet In The Hood."

F.I.L. had a particularly good week. These jokes are gold! Gold!

VIDEO: Rush Limbaugh dances (!?) to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"

By GottaLaff

What exactly is Boss Limpdong doing? Seriously, his randomly awkwardly abruptly violent gyrations even make Seinfeld's Elaine Benes look good:



Obscene doesn't even begin to describe this twit, no matter what he does or where he is:



At least now Keith Olbermann may have a new little video to put in the lower corner of the screen during Limpdong segments.

H/t: Rude Pundit

At Least 40 GOP Lawmakers Fail ‘Purity Test’ with Bonus VIDEO!

By GottaLaff

Kick more people out of the Party of WTF in the name of Ronald Reagan! What a plan! Except, oops:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Here is my original post on the resolution that denies funding to any member of the party that bucks the hallowed Purity rules.

But, d'oh! Those wacky impure Rushpublics! All 40 of 'em. If they're not careful they'll become an endangered species:

ThinkProgress has conducted an analysis that finds at least 40 current Republican members of Congress have violated at least one principle of the purity test.

I'll give you an excerpt of one of my faves, but go here for the whole endangered list:

Purity Pledge #5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants

– The McCain-Kennedy 2006 immigration bill would have “legalized millions of undocumented immigrants already in the U.S. if they paid fines, paid back taxes and learned English.” Republican Senators John McCain (R-AZ), Dick Lugar (R-IN), George Voinovich (R-OH), Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Bob Bennett (R-UT), Sam Brownback (R-KS), Susan Collins (R-ME), Judd Gregg (R-NH) and Olympia Snowe (R-ME) voted for the bill.

John McCain his very own self? Ohh nooo!!! Not a headliner!

H/t: Alan Colmes

Disagree with the RNC? No funds for you!

By GottaLaff

Lockstep, brought to you by the Gipper:

The resolution would prohibit RNC money from flowing to any candidate who disagrees with more than two itemized planks of the GOP platform -- playing off Reagan's maxim that anyone who agreed with him 80% of the time is not 20% an enemy. [...]

There is a lot more for you to read in the piece, but here is the resolution:

Text from Jim Bopp's resolution, as circulated among several RNC members:

"THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the Republican National Committee identifies ten (10) key public policy positions for the 2010 election cycle, which the Republican National Committee expects its public officials and candidates to support:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership; and be further

RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy position of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee; and be further

RESOLVED, that upon the approval of this resolution the Republican National Committee shall deliver a copy of this resolution to each of Republican members of Congress, all Republican candidates for Congress, as they become known, and to each Republican state and territorial party office.

Chief Sponsor:
James Bopp, Jr. NCM IN

Sponsors:
Donna Cain NCW OR
Cindy Costa NCW SC
Demetra Demonte NCW IL
Peggy Lambert NCW TN
Carolyn McLarty NCW OK
Pete Rickets NCM NE
Steve Scheffler NCM IA
Helen Van Etten NCW KA
Solomon Yue NCM OR"

Welcome to the Soup Nazi Party.



H/t: Markos Moulitsas

Porn star candidate: "A sex tape of me isn't going to pop up and shame me; there are 150 of them "

By GottaLaff



But is she the master of her domain?

Porn star Stormy Daniels talks to Marie Claire about her transition to politics as a U.S. Senate candidate from Louisiana.

Q: How much will your résumé be a factor?

A: It's actually starting to work in my favor -- I have nothing to hide. A sex tape of me isn't going to pop up and shame me; there are 150 of them at the video store.

Q: Do you think you're more qualified than Senator Vitter?

A: Absolutely not. But in one movie, I did play a Secret Service agent marooned on an island controlled by North Korea. I butt heads with dictator Kim Jong-il and come out on top.

I bet she did.

Mid Day Distraction

Senate Ethics Committee investigating John Ensign

By GottaLaff



Wow! You know what this means, don't you?!

Nothing!

The Senate Ethics Committee is investigating Sen. John Ensign, and allegations of improper conduct stemming from an affair with the wife of a former aide.

"Whenever allegations of improper conduct are brought to the attention of the Senate Ethics Committee, we open a preliminary inquiry," committee spokeswoman Natalie Ravitz told CNN.

No. Thing. Or as Kent Jones of The Rachel Maddow Show says, "Weak!"

Because of the tight lipped nature of the ethics panel, it is unclear exactly what the Ethics Committee is probing. [...]

In July, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, a left-leaning watchdog group, formally asked the Senate Ethics Committee to investigate potential violations of ethics rules. [...]

Senate GOP sources, who did not want to be quoted on the record about the Ensign controversy, said they worried the efforts described in the article appear to show that Ensign may have facilitated relationships and work for Hampton that violate a ban on lobbying for one year after a Senator or aide leaves office.

Well, okay, maybe a little something.... maybe.

Republican Ken Blackwell Could Restrain Homosexual Urges... if he had 'em... but he doesn't... so he won't

By GottaLaff

"Let me be clear: I am not gay. I never have been gay. I am not gay. I love my wife."
--Larry Craig.

Gay-rights activist/talk radio host Michelangelo Signorile has the audio of Ken Blackwell during the Republican National Convention discussing how:

[H]omosexuality is a compulsion that can be "restrained," and he's quite confident he would be able to suppress it within himself -- though of course he's never had any sort of problem like that.

Of course not, Ken dear. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

"I've never had to make the choice because I've never had the urge to be other than a heterosexual," Blackwell said, "but if in fact I had the urge to be something else I could have in fact suppressed that urge."

If only he could have suppressed his urge to be straight. Then all that threatening gayness wouldn't matter so much to him.

The Incredible Shrinking Gramm-pa McCain

By GottaLaff

Gramm-pa's not that incredible. But he is shrinking:

Republican John McCain campaigned Sunday in must-win Ohio, where polls show a close race, and spent part of the day defending running mate Sarah Palin's qualifications on national television and in a call with Jewish leaders. [...]

The Republican candidate held two rallies in Ohio, rushing through his standard speech so quickly that he left both ahead of schedule. At the convention center in Toledo, which was half-full, the crowd barely responded at times to his applause lines [...]

McCain had invited [Joe the Plumber] Wurzelbacher to join him Sunday, but the burly Everyman rebuffed the offer and instead took his son and father to New York City, where he appeared on a Fox News talk show hosted by former GOP presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee. [...]

McCain has also been forced to spend more time trying to reassure anxious voters -- including many Republicans -- that Palin is qualified to assume the presidency.

Twice on Sunday morning, in an interview on Fox News and later in a conference call with Orthodox rabbis and other Jewish leaders, McCain defended his decision to select the first-term governor and former small-town mayor.

Shrinkage.