By GottaLaff
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
That Nigerian suicide underwear bomber was charged with having a weapon of mass destruction in his pants. After reading the new biography, "Star: How WARREN BEATTY Seduced America," and how he bedded down over 12,000 women, I think the weapon charge distinction should go to WARREN.F.I.L. should have had the NBC 10 p.m. slot that Leno had.
We now know the reason 1999 had the lowest birthrate in the U.S. since 1909. It was caused by - Later sexual experimentation by teens - improved birth control - and WARREN BEATTY got married.
Even if the suicide underwear bomb had worked, there was going to be 72 very disappointed virgins.
We just learned that JAY LENO actually was the one who had the biggest bomb of them all.
After the incident, PRESIDENT OBAMA said, "Our country must prepare for terrorist attacks by someone other than Republicans."
This is weird. A naked jogger was stopped near the White House. The Secret Service grabbed the man but didn't know what to do with him. He didn't have any underwear for them to search.
Because he was arrested for alleged domestic-violence, CHARLIE SHEEN'S "Hanes Underwear" commercials were discontinued. This is a lesson in irony. The Nigerian's underwear didn't go off, but CHARLIE'S blew-up in his face.
JOAN RIVERS was kept from boarding a plane in Costa Rica for the U.S. because of a "suspicious passport". Security officials sensors also detected enough plastics on her body to make a bomb that could bring down a 747.
Actually, JOAN was detained because her passport photo was taken ten faces ago.
A Kentucky couple won a $128 million "Powerball Jackpot" betting on numbers they dreamed. The makers of Sominex are demanding a share of the winnings.
RUSH LIMBAUGH had to check into a hospital over Christmas with chest pains, but he's completely recovered and he'll be back on the job this week. This is great news. The country's been hit by a such a freezing cold wave we can really use the hot air.
A snowstorm blanked the Midwest. Blistering winds in Chicago were so powerful they blew ten thousand voter's names off cemetery gravestones.
It's been so cold in New York, the Mafia is now giving the "Hug of Death."
U.N. Weapons Inspectors want to be allowed to do their job in Tehran. In a show of good faith Iranian President, MOHMOUD AHMADINEJAD, presented them with the keys to the city. Unfortunately, the city was Philadelphia.
After the recent Northwest Airline/Minneapolis debacle, a federal study revealed that 1 out of 7 commercial airline pilots fall asleep in the cockpit in mid-flight. Don't be surprised if on your next trip, prior to landing, you hear the flight attendant announce, "Please return all trays, seats and the pilot to an upright position."
Under a new law, New York cops may confiscate the cars of drunk drivers, never to be seen again. We have the same thing in California - only it's called "Valet Parking."
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