By GottaLaff
How did I forget to post F.I.L. this week? Here you go:
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
As the Healthcare Reform Bill is being debated, liberals are pressuring PRESIDENT OBAMA to take our troops out of Afghanistan and put them where the REAL violence is - The U.S. Senate.HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
PRESIDENT OBAMA was in China this week, or as they call it, the "People's Republic of Wal-Mart."
According to the latest statistics, China is the world's third largest economy, right behind Japan and OPRAH.
To foster the spirit of good will, when the PRESIDENT got off the plane he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.
While there, PRESIDENT OBAMA took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said it was, "magical." It was for us back home too. Looking at a photo of something American in China. You never see that.
In Japan, PRESIDENT OBAMA bowed to the Emperor and one of the people most bothered by this was former Vice President DICK CHENEY. He said no American President should bow to anyone. PRESIDENT BUSH never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them, kissed them and then they shared a bed together, but that was different. That was for oil.
SARAH PALIN'S new book is finally out and there's some really shocking stuff in there; Complete sentences, proper grammar, stuff you've never heard from her before.
SARAH'S book is number one on the best seller lists leaving STEPHEN KING to be number two with his very scary new book called "Sarah Palin Becomes President."
If you think PALIN'S book, "Going Rogue," is a huge bestseller, wait'll you see how popular her next book will be -- To be called, "Going Away."
KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED, the terrorist mastermind, will go on trial in New York. Did you see that picture of him? Forget terrorism. He should get executed just for having all that hair on his shoulders. Hair on shoulders is a maximum offense in New York and every other city in the country.
LIZ CHENEY hinted that her father, DICK, might run for President in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief; and that was just from the Democrats.
Can you imagine that scary guy, DICK CHENEY, running for President and SARAH PALIN as his Vice President. It would be just like that old JIM CARREY movie, "Dum, DeDum, Dum & Dumber."
91-year-old Senator ROBERT BYRD set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, BYRD has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones.
The POPE has a 900 number, but don't try any crank calls to the Vatican because if they tell you to "Go to hell," it's not just a figure of speech.
The Food and Drug Administration has just approved the first female version of Viagra. Already a guy was overheard in a Singles Bar saying, "My Viagra or yours?"
THANKSGIVING TIPS
Be sure to get your turkey from a reputable market. Last year some people wound up buying a chicken with a gland condition.
If you run out of bread crumbs try stuffing your bird with minced cardboard. It may sound silly, but airline chefs have been doing it for years.
Save your empty turkey carcass. When you see the price of gifts this year, you may decide to restuff it for Christmas dinner.
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