By GottaLaff
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
As millions watched helplessly, clouds of smoke billowed skyward and the structure, weakened by violent earth shaking, collapsed with a deafening roar -- But enough about the Democrat's "Healthcare Bill."Well it's a good thing my marriage has lasted, or I wouldn't have had a cool F.I.L. for so long.
The shaking was TED KENNEDY spinning in his grave.
The Democrats lost their super majority by electing SCOTT BROWN, a former nude model, the Republican Senator from Massachusetts. Not to be outdone, 92 year-old Democratic Senator, ROBERT BYRD, has agreed to pose for the centerfold of Playgirl.
Last week proved that change is a fleeting thing. A Republican won a Senate seat. "The Tonight Show" went back to JAY LENO. The home run record is going back to ROGER MARIS -- and Massachusetts went back to the Protestants.
If the Healthcare Bill goes down and insurance companies are left to their own devices, look for some curtailments in your medical services:
Your annual breast exam will be done at "Hooters."
The only Proctologist you'll be able to go to will be "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Preventive Care Coverage will consist of "An apple a day."
The only expense covered 100% will be embalming.
You'll have to go to a schizophrenic doctor so you can get a second opinion right on the spot.
Your prescription will say "Viagra" but you'll have to settle for a Popsicle stick and a roll of duct tape.
CONAN O'BRIEN bid NBC goodbye Friday night with the last of his "Tonight Show" apprearances. Although he leaves with a $45 million deal his immediate future in television remains a question mark. As a service to this talented performer here are some suggestions for things he might do to keep busy untill the next gig comes along:
Open a fast food franchise called "Born Again Burgers" which are served by "Jehovah's Waitresses."
Manufacture "Boomerang Milk Bones" for dogs too lazy to fetch.
Things are so bad at NBC, last week the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered.
Airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. it's getting so expensive to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants.
Massive storms continue to pound California. You can tell there's a lot of water on the streets of Los Angeles. KIEFER SUTHERLAND was pulled over for a BUI, "Boating Under the Influence."
Because of the flooding, lots of celebrities are donating their services. The entire cast of "Melrose Place" volunteered as flotation devices.
It was so bad, PAMELA ANDERSON had to put a sump-pump in her cleavage.
Hookers on Hollywood Boulevard were seen doing the back stroke.
The horrific rains caused so much damage to the state's lettuce crop, prices at the supermarket are skyrocketing. The Salad Bar at the "Sizzler" is now patrolled by a security guard with an Uzi.
Prices are so high for Romaine Lettuce people are not using it for salad. They're rolling it in Zig-Zag papers and smoking it.
We should have known the floods were coming months ago when people were seen going into Gucci two-by-two.
It looks like California is about to legalize marijuana. And you thought Governor SCHWARZENEGGER was hard to understand before.
WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS:
"The Wild Years" by AL GORE
"Things I Wouldn't Do For Money" by SARAH PALIN
"All The Men I've Loved Before" by ELLEN DEGENERES
and of course
TIGER WOODS'S "Guide To A Lasting Marriage"
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